  I am having the most miserable weekend. I just hate everything about everything. I can not concentrate on anything.
I have a paper due, and a test on Monday night, and I am so depressed that I can not even fathom picking up a book and trying to read through it. I went to see a surgeon on Friday for a breast lump. It turned out that the original lump is just a cyst (apparently I am cystic because there were quite a few cysts) but as she did an exam, she found another lump that is not a cyst.
She is not sure what it is and is concerned about it, so I have to go for a sonogram this week. I am too young to get a mammogram (you have to be 35), apparently they give off too much radiation and can cause breast cancer at young ages. It just seems ironic to me that a mammogram that detects cancer can cause cancer in young women, but almost everything causes cancer these days. I just hope that this is nothing serious and it is not cancerous. I am really nervous about all of this.
Like that was not bad enough, the surgeon told me that I should have my physician take blood and run some tests because she thinks I could have a thyroid problem or some kind of hormonal imbalance that is causing the cysts. I really just do not need this right now. I do not like giving blood, I hate doctors, and quite frankly, I do not have time to run around to a million doctors to figure this entire ordeal out. On top of all of this, I need to go to a wedding next weekend. I HATE shopping, but I had to go because I wanted to try to find something nice to wear.
It is so hard being an overweight woman. I am not obese, I am just curvy, but it seems like in today’s world only skinny women get to wear clothing. I must have tried on 100 dresses. Either they only make things for tiny women so I looked like a stuffed pig or they make things that look like fucking tarps. Good god, I am not ready for the moo moo dress….I am not that overweight for god’s sake. Yes… I can stand to loose a few pounds, but who can’t.
All I want is to feel good about myself and look nice. I have curves, I want to show them off, but no…I can not do that because pop culture just makes it so hard for people who do not fit the mold. I am sorry to rant about this, but I just get so frustrated. I know I am not as overweight as a lot of people, I wonder how they cope with things like this.
It is bad enough I have a low self esteem, this just makes it unbearable at times. So I try to hide in EQ, a MMORPG (massively multiplayer online role play game). I hit level 53 last night, then I went linkdead and my computer bugged out. I had to reinstall everything this morning. I logged on. I was walking up some stairs, I feel off of them somehow for 20k damage…died.. and lost my level.
My luck is just so great sometimes… so I am back at 52. Another thing that is pissing me off is that I just heard that one of the 4 buildings that the terrorists are looking to blow up during the republican convention is one my mom works for. I am so worried for her. I do not know what I would do if something happened to her. I would just be a mess.
I hope that all of this pans out smoothly. On a positive note, Friday I paid for my transcripts to be sent to the LSAC, atleast I did one productive thing before hitting bottom. This rant is over. 
