  I'm totally in love with a man who amazes me every minute with his capacity to love me through my MS. And trust me it ain't easy. I spend a lot of time wondering why he loves me, how can he possibly want me and how long will he stay? A little history: I was finally diagnosed after three years of inconclusive testing and seven months after my divorce was final. One of the many reasons I divorced is because I knew my 'then' husband wouldn't have anything to do with me once it was determined I was ill. Even before we got married he told me that if I got sick he wouldn't leave me. I had nothing to worry about.
He wouldn't take care of me but he wouldn't leave me. His words. So as it became more and more clear, lo these many years later, that I was ill in some form. I got rid of him. No way was I going to take of myself and him. And no it wasn't that easy nor that crass, and yes there were other, bigger reasons, but this was definitely in the mix.
Now my 'new' man and I have been together four years the end of August, and almost didn't make it this far. As a matter of fact we've just reconciled after a very nasty blow-up that drove us apart. Somehow we've gotten past the anger and are working our way through the mess. Seems like we've got a good start. The thing that gives us any chance is that, through all of the disaster, I never stopped loving him, and he never stopped loving me. And my fears remain.
The fears I've had from the day we met. In the time we've known each other I've had a number of relapses, some worse than others, and two surgeries. And he's never left my side. He's taken care of me as he cares about me. Somehow he's able to keep them separate most of the time. He waited a long time before he made a commitment to us, he needed to be sure of himself, that he could look at a life of my debilitating.
And he has. And now, as one of my worst fears has come true, he stays and is helping me through this as well. See, one of my MS losses is my ability to feel most things sexual. It has either been pain or no sensation at all. Neither pleasant options. And so as we rebuild and explore a better relationship, once again he's encouraging me to find pleasures in the things that do work.
I cry a lot. A LOT. I cry when nothing works, I cry when I feel anything that doesn't hurt, I cry when there's any kind of 'progress'. Now progress is a relative word. But today was a R ed L etter D ay. With much patience and tenderness, I had an orgasm.
I cried so hard. It's been a very long time. It isn't the same as before, not as intense and just feels 'different'. And it takes a lot of work But it happened. I've tried to find a way to describe what it's like now. Or what the differences are.
Some are easy. It's less intense than before but still it's there. It takes more effort and patience. Those are the easy ones. Then there's the rest of it, the nuances and those things have no words. But the best part is that this incredible man has the love, patience and lasting power to make sure that I have every chance.
No it doesn't work every time. We know that, but he's still here. At least my ability to please him still works. So let's see, I'm in a wheelchair, my ability to have sex is fairly limited (though he doesn't suffer from it), I have other bits and pieces that are failing me in slow stages. I have so much guilt about loving him. About his loving me.
I so often think he could do much better. Some of that is me, some of it is my MS. K, lots of it is my MS. He's such an active man; camping, fencing, travel. I can do some, support the rest. It isn't that I'm not willing, but he takes such care of me that I sometimes feel that I interfere with the things he wants/would like to do, he worries about me constantly. I've always seen a life with him, but I so very much never want him to resent being with me.
And then there's the issue of when things happen to me and he's not there. I feel bad calling him and interrupting whatever he's involved in; work, school, or social. I don't want him coming to see me as needy. (I'm not. ) And yet if I don't call him at the time something happens he's upset with me for not. Hard to find a balance there.
And no matter how good things are or what reassuring words he has, this is always in the back of my mind. I wish it would go away. He knows about this, and does his best to calm my fears, and I do my best to put them aside. Still it's there ready to threaten my balance. Knowing it's there helps me to quell things before they get in the way. I do my best.
And for now: He loves me, I cherish every moment of it, love him beyond words, and look to a long full life with him. 
