  What a day. My day starts out on the wrong side of the bed, I'm not awake at 10:30 (pathetically late for me) and grouchy with my mother (this trend continues throughout the day, mind you... trouble is in store for my conscience! ) At this point (10:38 AM) I am still stuck on a dream I had of the Segals all coming to the Braddock Pool instead of Montana. Bill was very skinny and sickly-looking. He must have been ill. I was talking to him and walking around the concrete lip around the water and I couldn't keep my balance. I fell in quite a few times, but I blamed it on me being sick, which I was not. I kept thinking about Justin, and knew that this was a day I should be with him, but he was away somewhere and I couldn't see him or talk to him.
Bill took me over to the fence where there was gravel on a small hill, and when we walked up, the hill traveled with our feet and wouldn't end. This dream was very annoying and pathetically true-- I miss the Segals, I miss Montana, I miss Justin and I am feeling sad for my grandfather who has problems with his balance. There is more to it, I am sure, like the hill may represent hiking up the mountains or the steps taken to become a better person (whether that means physical, mental or emtional health, or maybe health has nothing to do with it.
) I'll just cut the interpretation short, as I don't particularly feel like disecting it. I must say, before I seem rude in not mentioning it sooner, as I should be excstatic about today, that July 25, 2004 is Justin and my one-and-a-half year "anniversary". The interesting thing is, and this is a depressing point, he was neither here to share it with me nor available on the telephone. So I was completely lonely, celebrating with no one on what should have been a happy day. I was not really unhappy, just lazy. I never changed out of my PJs. That doesn't EVER happen. Only on Christmas Day, and rarely then because we have company.
I wasn't able to see anyone or keep myself busy in any way except watching TV (which is a horid habit and I refuse to watch any TV for the rest of summer other than a new show called "The 4400" that I am currently trying to watch weekly. I am not very good at it, and have missed 2 of the 4 episodes...) playing the piano (more like pounding) and reading.
I took a nap, which explains my hyper nature at this point, and thought of Justin a lot. Last night I looked through my entire hard-drive to find my journal I was keeping. In finding it, I realized how I have been in love with Justin for a very long time. I started the journal on Feb. 17, 2003, which is 9 days after our first date (to the movies, RC theatre, Sam, Neera, Joe, Kaitlyn, Justin and I to "The Recruit" at 4:30 PM--I know this because I found the ticket stub in Dad's car yesterday) And even then, I was completely enamored with him.
I must (shamefully) admit that I still referred to him by his last name. A simply vile thing for a girlfriend to do! How silly of me! :) (that trend ended in early March. ) I don't think there was anything negative about him in there.
Just a few comments about a certain talent show that I won't revisit, but regret and will feel bad about forever. I have a weird protective instinct... probably derived from my sister looking older than she is. End of that story. So back to this diary, it is full of sweet things about us and how incredibly happy he made me and there are lists of things I love about him, it's very silly-sounding, but I was smiling the whole time in reading it because it was so refreshing to see how far we've come, and how my feelings for him have developed and grown so much stronger and deeper.
The time I've shared with him has been no less than heavenly (hence, the title) and I would not have rathered it any other way. There are so many things I love about him, but since I am new at this online-journaling, I am timid in writing them all down.
I find things between a couple so intimate or so plain are best kept between the two. It is a very personal thing talking about a relationship. Which brings up this question: Why are onlookers of long-term relationships very interested in the status, development and even interaction between the couple? For example, the annoying and very perverted question, "What have you guys done? " I have seen asked a billion times of my friends... and they answer! Openly! About their physical relationship with another person completely uninvolved! I cannot answer that question! I will not! "What have you guys done? " Why would anyone on earth ask something like that and actually expect an answer?! I am putting that one to rest. To anyone reading this, refrain from asking all couples of one week, one year, one decade or anyone for that matter what they have done with the opposite sex. It is a very personal thing to be discussing, and if they openly tell you because they trust in your closed-mouth response, good, but if you ask this question out of the blue, I do hope you will a) think before asking, b) don't expect an answer, and c) if you recieve an answer, by goodness, DO NOT SHARE THAT INFORMATION!
Stay out of other peoples' buisness, darn it! I wasn't completely anti-social today, although I didn't get to see people face-to-face. I caught up with Greg, who called me and informed me of his new and budding relationship with Allison. I must say, it is a very sweet thing to hear because he is a very nice, smart and talented person. (I know this because I dated him for a mere month. It was an interesting month, but we weren't at all prepared for something long term. Well, one of us wasn't. ) He is a lot like me, actually. His dad is a doctor, my mom is a doctor, he is musical, philisophical, and very intelegent, etc. I enjoy our conversations very much. Today's main topic, other than him sharing his love life, was religion.
He and Allison are not the same religion, which is not a problem at all. She is a firm believer in Christianity and he is Jewish. We discussed that having blind faith is dangerous, and that the Bible is composed of people who had blind faith and it worked out. How many people weren't mentioned, (assuming, for this entry, that the bible was written in the time of Jesus or at least has truth in it) that got screwed out of their blind faith? One must ask questions about religion in order to have an understanding of what they believe. You cannot know all the facts to make a good assumption other than a book that may not even be real. I cannot possibly think that everything in there is true, considering Jesus probably did not have time, while waiting to be crucified, to write the Bible.
Maybe he did, I don't know, and I won't know, but I do know that when I have a good perspective on life and make my own choices and decisions, I will move into having faith. As of now, I believe highly that there is a higher power. Whether that is a God, a goddess, many gods and goddesses, I am not sure, but when I decide to do my homework and research it, I will figure things out for myself.
I do not want to be sold religion or be told what to believe. (or recieve forwards that tell me I will die if I don't pass it on because Jesus will come down and burn me or something horrible of that nature. ) See, the best part about talking to Greg is we get into arguments where we are both on one side and we discuss it like we are debating. But we debate the same point. It is amusing and good for thinking and saying things that you need to say. Debate practice, if you will. Today I also talked to Alex who I met last summer at tennis camp. He is a very nice person. He recently visited Germany with his teacher and fellow students, and I am interested in seeing pictures of this trip. When we were at tennis camp, he sang to Jill and me on the bus back from the movies. "Your Eyes", which is a sweet song, and he has a good voice too! "Your eyes as we said our good byes can't get them out of my mind and I find I can't hide From your eyes the ones that took me by surprise the magic came into my life where theres moonlight, I see your eyes How'd I let you slip away when I'm longing so to hold you? now I'd die for one more day cause theres something I should have told you- theres something I should have told you When I look into your eyes why does distance make us wise? You were the song all along and before the song dies- I should tell you- I should tell you- I have always loved you you can see it in my eyes" Isn't that a beautiful song?
I should get the music to it. ::sigh:: I hope I will be able to see him sometime soon. I like playing tennis with him, he is good. We have a lot of things in common, like a love for Root Beer. haha! Those were happy notes of my day. I wish that I could speak to Justin, though. Where is he now? I wish I could kiss him on the cheek and tell him that I love him. :( ::wish wish wish:: I guess it doesn't work if it's not possible to happen. Well, as I have nothing more to talk about, I will be off to bed. Maybe I will have better dreams! 'Night. 
