  You've read the title for the third time, wondering if it really says what you think it says. "Penguin Sexuality.
" You repeat it to yourself, contemplating what the words below it could bring. "You can't possibly be talking about penguins having sex. " This week's Pittsburgh City Paper (sporting a lovely picture of the lovable local sports talk show host Mark Madden on the cover) features old News of the Weird archives.
The following is an exact quote, word-for-word, from the story: "In 1996, Cambridge (England) University researcher Fiona Hunter, who studied penguins' mating habits for five years, reported that some females apparently allow male strangers to mate with them in exchange for a few nest-building stones, thus providing what Hunter believes is the first observed animal prostitution. According to Dr. Hunter, all activity was done behind the backs of the females' regular mates, and in a few instances, after the sex act, johns gave the females additional stones as sort of a tip.
" You heard it right, folks. We have prostitution among the penguin community. I wanted to alert many of you to this dangerous finding, especially in light of the many field trips young children take to zoos across the country. Of course, we must save the children from seeing this "whoreiffic" act take place, so until I see clear and measured change from the penguin community, I am demanding that parents refrain from taking their children to a zoo where the offenders could be a featured guest. Perhaps we can get some sort of governmental agency involved, or create one that will address the problem of immoral behavior in the animal kingdom. Surely there must be some way to stop the sheer massacre that animals and insects on the lower ends of the food chain are subjected to.
And once again, what about the children? I have a person that could lead this charge... Rick Santorum (and you thought I couldn't make this political). Rick has made it his personal business to focus some of his social policies on the sex lives of roughly 28 million gay Americans, not to mention all you folks that enjoy the occasional three-way or romp with Rover. Rick understands the acts of prostitution, polygamy, and beastiality better than any other politician in the country.
I suggest that Rick propose a bill that would make it illegal for penguins to prostitute themselves for nest-building stones. I would like to mention that the government will in no way help to find or pay for the nest-building stones. If the penguin is able-bodied enough to have sex for the stones then dammit, she's strong enough to work and find them for herself. This comment may be a little off-topic, but what the hell is Dr. Fiona Hunter doing spending five years researching the mating patterns of penguins? Don't let the word "mating" fool you, it sounds nicer than the truth, which is, "penguins going at it.
" Imagine what the conversation between she and her parents was like, the day after she returned home from Christmas break her Freshman year of college: Fiona's Dad: "So honey, have you picked a major? " Fiona: "I was researching becoming a physician, but I'm just not interested in people. So I looked into becoming a veterinarian. " Fiona's Dad: "That's great honey, so what now? What will be your specialty? " Fiona: "Well, this is what I think.
I'll spend four years in undergrad, then another five years after that getting my doctorate. After that, I'll probably move down to Antarctica and study the way penguins shag each other. " Fiona's Dad: -floor- If I'm a member of penguin community, I'm pissed. They were kind enough to let her WATCH, then she goes and tells everyone about it. I guess no one ever heard the slogan, "What goes on at the South Pole stays at the South Pole. " ABCJr. 
