  I saw a nutritionist today.  This is a big step according to my therapist.  It cost 85 dollars but I might get some reimbursement from insurance if I check on it.  We spent almost 2 hours talking about how /  why I eat what I eat when I eat.  I didn't really learn much about nutrition,
 surprisingly.  I have a terrible memory so I going to try to recap everything that we talked about.  It is all very jumbled in my head right now.  Motivation for losing weight.  Health .  I am 26 now and it is not too late to correct my behavior before I get major health problems.
 I have already started having problems at this age,  but because of irrational fear,  I have not seen any doctor about this.  Besides all the mental problems such as depression and anxiety,  I have such physical problems as veracose veins,  hemorrhoids and bleeding,
 lack of menstrual cycle,  stretch marks all over body,  acne with dry skin,  swollen ankles and sometimes legs and feet,  diarrhea,  constipation,
 sinus problems,  darkening of skin in places,  stomach pain and other abdominal pain,  pain in feet when I walk or stand too much,  back pain,  pinched sciatica,
 poor circulation in legs and feet,  plus more that I can't think of right now.  Looks .  I want to look better and feel attractive.  This will give me confidence.  I want to have intimate relationships and not feel ashamed of my body.
 I want to be able to do things with my life rather than fear everything.  I want to feel like people aren't staring at me.  Society doesn't like the fat girl.  And people do get judged because of their weight.  I want to feel loved and lovable.  In my life I have never dieted for more than 2 weeks.
 The reason is is because I feel it is too hard and in the moment of a binge,  I say,  " What does it matter?  You are already too far gone to come back.  Do what you want to do,
 not what you should do.  Who cares?  It is too hard to NOT eat what you want.  It is easier to be fat than to do without the food you want.  So this is the major issue.  While I WANT to be THIN so that I can attract people,
 I also WANT to stay FAT so I won't have to deal with the feelings that come along with letting people into my life.  This is something she pointed out to me today.  I always thought that if I were thin,  I'd magically know how to deal with those bad feelings.  She told me that because I haven't dealt with the many issues I have when I am binging,  I'd totally gain the weight back if I suddenly became thin one day.
 Fear has ruled my life,  especially in the last 3- 4 years.  I have the typical social anxiety thing.  I don't have classic panic attacks usually,  I just have almost unbearable discomfort around certain people and situations.
 I do not feel comfortable around new and even people I know well.  And this discomfort makes me feel like I will have diarrhea or even just a bowel movement and I am afraid to have to do that in other places than my house.  I do start to panic if I feel cramps.  I also get hot flashes.  I'll talk more about this whole thing,  but I am too tired to write anymore.
 These are notes for myself to remind me of what all we talked about.  Book by Genine Roth Journaling and hunger scale issues with men correlation between TV and eating numbness Hate to waste.  Don't think about it like that.  Think that you'd rather throw it away than wear it.  Love myself.  I don't feel loved so I seek it out in food.
 I need to be my protector.  If I went back in time and saw myself binge eating,  I would say,  " Stop.  I wouldn't let it continue like my family did.
 Getting on a scale.  How to deal instead of eat?
