  Remember that getting over, move forward kinda thing i posted a while ago in my other blog? Well things really going on ok. This getting over thing seem to work out pretty well for me. and I actually feel relieved that i've done these things (get rid of everything that has even a remote connection to "G" - the guy). I dont really think about him that much anymore. and I am actually happy.
Until last Saturday night.... I went to my friend's Drew and Amirha engagement party. I had fun. Met a lot of new people. had a few laughs and good conversations. It was nice, it was familiar and people are amazingly nice to talk with (i am not sure whether I owe this to real good Italian wines or the very nice romantic settings or just me getting back to my good ol' flirting mode that i left gazzilion years ago).
Anyway, i had a blast. Hours ticking by, and beautiful people keep on coming, flowing champagne and real good wines, and I am beginning to feel so much at ease. And then enter "D". A writer who has lived in this island for only 6 months, 32 yrs of age, wickedly irresistable, unconvetionally good looking and financially oh-my-god-what-is-he gonna-do-with-all-that-money kinda thing, funny yet a bit of a wise ass. This guy has been known as the guy soo many women wanna be with. Yet, he seems to walk around not knowing it.
The moment he walks in, people just seem to strike up a pose or something(especially the women). People become flirtier, wilder, funnier, ....any other -er there is to er. I, to my surprise, sucked in to this as well. I was.. i dunno, trying to smack up my mojo in triple doze. Holding my glass differently, smile a bit coyly, and tried to be as attractive as i can be. ( confession: a VERY tiring job, i have to say).
But of course, i mean.. who could compete with long legs,black curly hair, big tits women with low cut dress. It doesnt take long for me to drop this "hi, look at me" kinda attitude cuz I just suck at this. I mean, who am i kidding. 5'1 skinny woman with glasses who looks more like she belongs in a library rather than a party. and SHE should NEVER strike up a pose! Seriously.
NEVER! So i move my ass a bit to the corner, and start chatting with this very funny guy who turns out to be the artist i got exhibition invitation to. Not long we move to a table down the beach, cornering ourselves to a more delightful conversation. It was good, those cerebral connection kinda thing. I really liked the guy plus I enjoyed his company. The drunken state has taken me into a more flirtier mode, when he leaned over closer to me, and flirt back.
We did this for some time, verbally flirtatious toward one another. And then he said something, "I really enjoyed this. Do you have plans tomorrow night? I'd like to take you out to dinner. " I froze. All of sudden i felt this icy sensation of fear down my back, iced my blood and got me to stutter.
"unfortunately yes. I have to work late tomorrow," He looked at me. "On sunday? " Dupe. Tomorrow is sunday! i completely forgot!
I smiled at him frantically trying to work out some good lies on WHY i have to work on Sunday. Then i came up with this elaborate lies about this (made up) presentation i have to do on MOnday, and i just have to make sure everything is in place. But i guess, he could see through it. He nodded as if understanding it, then told me that he had to go. He also has somekind of "presentation" to be prepared. he got up, said goodnight.
turned around and left me. I was panged with regrets. I couldnt believe what i just did. I liked the guy very much, he's nice, smart, talented as fuck, and he just asked me out. What the fuck was i thinkin? Why I backed out?
I had a perfectly enjoyful conversation with this man. I am attracted to him. And from what i can see, he is attracted to me too (or else why would he ask me out to dinner). Why the sudden Icy sensation of fear clamping up my back when he asked me out. Why in the hell i feel like i want to turn around and run away from him. Why suddenly all i wanted to do was clamming up to my room and hide when he asked me that question.
Why? Anyway.. After he left, I sat there trying to stop myself from banging my head against the table. I was filled with regrets, and not knowing what to do with it, except cursing myself endlessly and gulp yet another glass of wine. I dont know how long i sat there looking at the ocean, gulping my alcohol when suddenly i felt a presence of someone with a REALLY good smell take a seat beside me. Guess who it was. Mr.D!
The live of the party himself. The most sought after man. The utmost reason of all peacocky behaviour of all these women. Sat beside me. Looking straight ahead and not me. Inhaling his cigarette.
I sat there looking at him confusely. Not knowing what to feel and what to say (....beside the good wines starting to really squeeze my head), so the best i could utter was: "excuse me? what are you doing? " He turned his head to look at me, and said "oh im sorry. is someone sitting here? " mockingly!
He said it mockingly. I cant believe this guy. He had that smirk while he said it too. I was too confounded to form an answer, when he shoved his cigarette pack to my face and said, "smoke? " Nothing i could do really except raise my eyebrow since this just too much to digest. I still couldnt believe this guy sitting beside me while the party still goin on.
I mean, helloo?? 5'1 librarian here?? I also couldnt believe the cockiness (tho he has every reason to). And i still havent gotten over my stupidity of turning down the date from the man i like. So i didnt say anything. I just looked at him.
(hmmm... when you really look closely, he has this tiny mole near his ear, which highlight his cheekbone. He has pair of wide ears, kind that stuck out screaming for attention ears. His eyes are beatiful, deep and dark... just the kind that i like. his nose is a bit crooked, but it fits the profile well. and he hasnt shaved, i can see. those 5 o clock shadow gives a rugged handsomey look on him.
well.. he is dreamy. and he's sitting beside me. ) "is there something on my face? " he said. Obviously aware that i ve been staring for a loong time. I said no, but keep on staring at him.
Dunno why i did that. It seemed like the perfectly sane behaviour at that time....with 40% level of alcohol in my blood. I saw him smiled to my answer then turned around and stare back at me. I was like.. oh ok, if you wanna do this 6th grade staring competition thing..so be it. So i stare. He does the same.
It seems like a loong time, when he finally give in and laugh and told me that im fun. At this time, i couldnt care less, whether im fun or look like a dork or turning into big bird. My alcohol really starting to squeeze my head real hard. So i got up, and said " well im glad that my staring entertain you, but im tired and bored, and im gonna head home. NIce staring at ya," To my surprise, he followed and said, " well im bored too, this party sucks, and you're a fun girl. So whaddya say if we get outta here, and head somewhere else" He didnt wait for my answer, grab my hand and literally drag me along with him.
All the way, with my hand gripped by this man, i thought how weird this feels. How i am aware that tho i was being the source of envy of all these women, i feel nothing inside. I even feel a bit appalled by this "me tarzan you jane" kinda behaviour. In normal day, i would be flattered. But...... hang on here. Am i being abnormal for being disgusted by this grabbing act?
I dont think so. I know he's cute, but that doesnt give him the right to drag any woman out. Tho disgusted, i see myself going along with this. He took me to his car, open the door, and nudge me in. I almost went in, when suddenly i remember...I have my own car. I turned around, and let go my hand off his grip, and told him that i have my own car, and unless he'll tell me where we going, im not gonna go along with this.
And then he looked at me and said, " what? suddenly you're no fun anymore? " He didnt wait for my answer and moved closer and started to....kiss me. so... we did it. in his car. with my left leg hanging out the door, and my dress going up to my face.
It was humiliating rather than satisfying. And all the time, the only thing that i can remember is G. Well.. it was actually G and the artist. Mostly G. The artist is just the image i see between the gap. And this "D" guy? Ugh. Suddenly he becomes this thing i dont want to look at.
Let alone think about. H e finished up panting, and murmured what a great girl i am and then asked if he can see me again. Took me a while to answer. I mean, i dont think i like this guy, no matter how cute he is. But the thought of doing this with the most sought after man is quite tempting, I must say. I looked at him, quietly said to myself, oh what a beutiful meaningless creature panting infront of me.
But I have zero attraction to him. Yet here i am. Bone-ing him. which makes me wonder. why the hell, i couldnt even say yes to dinner with this artist that i am actually really attracted to but jumped on the guy that i'm not attracted to in a second. Why a nice dinner invitation freaks the hell outta me, while this tacky come-on from this person doesnt?
Where is that fear when im there, one leg out, humping, with this...tarzan. Cute tarzan. *sigh So i said to "D" that we'll see. i'll call him. Im thinkin that tho this night is pretty appalling and humiliating, and quite degrading, he could be the one to fix my 2 yrs lacking of sex state. Then i said goodnite.
And to my surprised he insisted me to stay... 'at least to talk' he said. I said theres nothing to talk really, except that this party took a helluva surprising turn for me. He said likewise. I smiled. Those i-dont-know-what-to-say smile and want-to-get-out-of-here-fast smile. I fixed my dress, get my purse, and get the hell out of there.
And all the way to my house, the only thing i did, is pushed the thought of G. The crave to hear his voice. I arrived at my place and sat for like half an hour in my garage. I simply felt nothing. I have images flashing back and forth in my mind. The artist, "D", what just happened, and G. and it always stop at G's. And everytime it stops at G, i feel this overwhelming feeling of security, like i was wrapped up in some warm blanket or something.
Like i wont be harmed. What is this? I have rid of things that reminded me of G. I have burned all pictures, threw away CDs, and all those paraphernalia shit the symbol of his existance. I am sure that ive been doing okay. I am happy. I am movin on.
But...it only takes some dinner invitation from a nice guy, and meaningless sex with a prick, to get me all swamped up again in his power. So, have i really moved on? what the fuck is going on? 
