  7. 28. 04 & nbsp;  “ Jay,
 I wish I had that voice messaging service that allows me to send a voice mail without calling. nbsp;  I want to respond to your e- mails,  but not in writing anymore. nbsp;
 I want you to hea r me say these things. nbsp;  I want you to sense the sincerity in my voice. nbsp;  I don’ t want to call and have a conversation with you,
 not only because I don’ t want to bother you,  but also because I don’ t want to be interrupted nor have it turn into an argument.  There are things I want to clarify. nbsp;
 Starting with when it was that I did “ cheat”  –  I wasn’ t very clear in my “ Dear ‘
Jay’  entry. nbsp;  It wasn’ t while you were in DC/ NY.
nbsp;  What I did do while you were there was solicit company to go out,  but I was very clear to him that I did not want to get physical –  because I was with someone. nbsp;  You and I have had a lot of on-
and- off periods in our relationship and I “ cheated”  while we were off. nbsp;  However,
 I don’ t consider that cheating. nbsp;  I thought we were over.  Another thing I want to clarify is why I don’ t say that I want a “
husband. nbsp;  You should know by now that I am pretty politically correct& nbsp;  -  at least I try to be.
nbsp;  When I speak,  I like to use terms that are open for variation/ interpretation -  I don’ t like to get into specifics.
nbsp;  Plus,  saying “ one day,  when I get married…  or “
in the future,  my husband…  is so cliché nbsp;  They imply that you are living your life by society’ s standards…
ugh!  This excerpt from my last fast- write will give you a better idea of what I mean:  Do you know why I am afraid to use the term “ husband? nbsp;
 It’ s because,  to some men there is a certain sense of “ baggage”  attached to this concept. nbsp;
 I choose to use the term “ life partner”  because it’ s a general term,  under which “ husband”
 falls. nbsp;  I have noticed that many couples –  the men,  especially have problems making the transition from “ boyfriend”
 to “ husband”  regardless of how long they have been with their significant other,  and even if they have already been living like a married couple. nbsp;  There is something implied in this term that can make men flip-
out and become scared that they are trapped with no way out. nbsp;  Because I am sensitive to this idea,  and I still want a life partner,  or husband,  I opt not to scare away the man that I want to be with by potentially putting a negative idea in his head.
nbsp;  & nbsp;  So…  That answers one of the questions in your e- mail.
nbsp;  Well,  technically it wasn’ t a question,  but something you stated that I felt I needed to shed some light on.  You mentioned in one of your e-
mails that you didn’ t know what I wanted from you. nbsp;  Well,  what I did not & nbsp;
want was to play the role that “ Jane”  played in your relationship with her. nbsp;  I did not want only part of you. nbsp;
 I wanted all of you –  the same love,  respect and commitment that I was willing to give you –  I wanted it in return. nbsp;  How could you be annoyed that I was so insecure about us when I knew how your last relationship was?
nbsp;  What makes you believe that I wouldn’ t think you’ d do the same to me? nbsp;  It has nothing to do with how confident I am in myself (
i. e.  that I’ m special enough that you won’ t want to go astray) nbsp;
 It is all about you. nbsp;  What you are ready and willing to give.  Again,  something I wish I could tell you verbally is that I felt lousy after bumping into you outside the State Theatre. nbsp;
 I know that you are angry with me and that I probably deserve it. nbsp;  But,  I just want to tell you that it hurt me. nbsp; nbsp;
 Believe it or not,  I had my first crying spell last night. nbsp;  My very first since I’ ve known you. nbsp;
 All of the other times we’ ve fought and had our “ off”  periods I always psyched myself into thinking that it was for the best. nbsp;  That it just wasn’
t “ meant to be. nbsp;  No matter how drawn I felt to you. nbsp;  Hence,
 my comment in my previous e- mail to you about struggling with the concept of “ meant to be. nbsp;  I kept convincing myself that we weren’ t,
 but I felt like we were. nbsp;  Anyway,  it was this way of thinking that never allowed me to shed a tear. nbsp;  They just wouldn’
t come out,  even if I wanted them to.
