  my chocolate left today this morning around 7am since then i have been left in a daze,  hurting,  crying but most of all being angry. mostly at myself for not having the courage 10 and half years ago to stand up to that man and fight him for my son. His name is DeAndre. he had it hard from the start i almost lost him twice,
 then when he was born with a stomach defect i almost lost him when he was one month old. thats how long it took the doctors to figure what was wrong with him.  So there we were me and him at one month old in the hospital waiting. waiting. finally finding out what his illness was and finding out it would take a whole year of medication to get it under control.  so my baby has been fighting all his life pretty much.
so i did not have the heart to put him through any more pain at two years of age,  yet my ex's exact words were i dont care what it does to him I will fight you. there you have it,  me backing off for fear of hurting my baby and now paying for it on a daily basis.  i look into his eyes and see pain. mostly lonliness.
he misses me. i miss him. he loves me i love him he needs me and i sooooo need him. I pray to the Lord help me. guide me. take care of my chocolate.
I used to say when DeAndre was a baby he would look at me like i could do no wrong,  I said if I ever met a man who looked at me that way I would marry him. Enter Mark. the love of my life. I can think of five other men on my love list. my father,
 who passed this past year. my brother,  who I admire. and my three angels. DeAndre,  Josh,
 and Devin. Mark my foundation,  best friend. soul mate,  my friend. my friend.
yes my friend. does not judge me,  but just loves me,  even when i dont love myself. this is one of those times. I hate myself for so many things.
i want to jump into my car and go get my baby. the law. i think& nbsp;  of the law and how they would lock me up for kidnapping my son. sounds so stupid.
for taking my son I would be locked up. i gave birth. i carried him. IIIIIIIIII did not him. Im so angry. so Ill end this endless chatter that is probably not making sense anymore.
cause i hurt. hurt.  i hurt.
