  Hi fellow bloggers. nbsp;  It is my intention to work out a few more ideas each night on how to proceed. nbsp;
 I am hoping some of you will join in here when you are ready.
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 The more input we have in the process,  the more it will work for everyone.
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 I would like group members to post a list similar to mine in my first post and then make a daily update of their progress or lack of progress for the day.
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 This is what I will be doing and I am open to suggestions from my experience of doing it and from you watching me do it or doing it with me.  I did my meditation this morning even though it meant getting to work late.
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 It is important enough to me to put work second even though I am very committed to my work lately.
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 I did not watch TV even though I was tempted just a little.
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 Women have been glowing around me lately but I am aware a lot of the time that this is a function of my love/ lust addiction and not something to do with them.
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 Not that women aren't beautiful and wonderful,  they just aren't quite the mythical beings that my distorted percerptions can make them out to be.
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 I have taken a pledge to stay out of romantic relationship for 6 months starting on July 15.
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 This should not be too hard for me to accomplish but relationships have traditionally caught me unawares which means that I have cultivated them unconsciously.
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 I don't want that to happen again since there has always been a large component of unresolve past history present in my past relationships.
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 I prefer to enter even the arena of relationships consciously and with intention.
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 My intention for now is not create a romantic relationship and to move away from anything starts to look like one for now.
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 I had an episode of implicit memory this evening when my ex- wife gave me instructions to meet her and our daughter at one place and then went to another without telling me for 45 minutes.
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 I waited and felt the building of implicit tension in my stomach.
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 I know enough about these sort of situations to recognize that I was reacting to past trauma and to work on connecting with what I know about my past.
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 I remembered being four and being left in a car in a mall parking lot.
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 I hated it and crawled out and went into Sears to look for my mother.
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 I knew she punish me but the punishment felt less threatening that being alone any longer.
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 Whenever I have to wait I get agitated and upset.
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 I believe this is connected to being left alone when I was young.
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 I have an earlier memory of being left alone in my crib.
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 I don't really have a clear memory of the incident but instead a memory of my step grandfather making fun of me when I was eight or nine.
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 He was joking about a time as an infant when I found my own feces and smeared it onto my face and perhaps ingested some of it.
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 I had a flashback when I heard him describe my state and had a hazy memory of the incident.
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 It was a very painful incident to undergo at the time.
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 My grandmother,  his wife,  chastised him and told him to stop but hushed the whole thing up as best she could.
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 My family was very sick and abuse of this sort and worse was hushed up regularly.
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 Thank you for letting my share this with you.
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 I hope it isn't too much for any of you.
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 It affected me deeply and left me addicted to shame,  hopelessness and misery.
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 Love,  Gary 
