  Rub your eyes now, it's a long one. Very strange indeed. Long night. Slept in on and off. But on the off when I finally stopped napping later in the morning to go out, I felt tingly and high and I was laughing… from straight sleep? Strange, strange.
I like it! Not the first time either. I had plans to car shop with my bro. It’s taking forever and a day since he knows exactly what he wants, and as a used car, then it gets tricky the more you compare… since his car caught into flames a month ago. We’ve spent many hours looking, it’s interesting comparing everything. The difference between private parties and car lots.
Private parties have been overall more professional and on it than a dealer. Strange. Sign of the times. I remember when I was in England last Jan. and I first showed up to my hotel, it was nighttime and dark out. I walked in and this seriously emaciated junkie was trying to get a room and he was arguing with the desk clerk. I don’t mind junkies he just vibed of someone not totally in control.
I don’t like standing next to someone that you can sense could do something totally not right for no reason, just because that’s how they’re functioning. Not right - not like your drunk friends at a party but more on a capability of unwanted hostility. I don’t remember what else happened but I felt uncomfortable enough that I told the guy at the desk that I’d only stay the night and check out in the morning. He told me to talk to the manager in the morning. In the morning I had breakfast, then when I went to talk to the manager, I was preparing in my head how to argue myself out of the long reservation I’d made. Instead of me handling it like you would have to here in this town, she started talking.
She knew why I wanted to leave (she was on her way out that night before and she saw that I saw her getting upset at that guy) and she knew I was uncomfortable. She was totally on the level and personable (more personable than most people I know, haa haa). Personable like she said, “I know, I saw what you saw when you came in…” and she apologized very formally, offered to reduce my rate, and told me I could stay night to night and leave whenever I wanted without locking myself into a reservation. G’damn! I forgot what that felt like. I remember businesses functioned like that here in the 70’s.
Now it’s more of a ‘fend for yourself’ environment, I’d say. YES, to go back to the earlier vein, I was out car shopping. I try to put a new CD or 2 in my car each time since we drive so much, looking about for this car. Going through my cds I saw one that was just a plain burned copy but I wasn’t sure what it was. So, I brought that one + another disc. I played the mystery disc.
AH… PR0M club ‘03! I helped (P) organize his club, it was fun. The first one brought in over 200 people, mostly from his own personal skill to talk! Amazing. And he pulled it off a few weeks in advance. Serious skill.
Plus I am good at pulling together details, we really rocked making that happen. I just helped but it’s his gig. (P). That boy drove me NUTS. He was and is hands-down the best dancer around. BEAUTIFUL like amazing.
When I was 27, he was what, 21? Awh… He asked me to go out on a date with him. Oh! That’s right. When we met it was at a club. He came right up to me, looked me in the eyes in this REAL and solid way, I mean scarily real.
Took me by the hand to the dance floor. Maybe ’cause that’s where he can really ’talk’ haa haa. Damn that boy… I have seen some good dancers in my days but he’s got soul like nothing else I’ve witnessed first hand. Him and all those handstands and back flips and tricks… We connected like old souls quick. That happens like once in awhile - really depends on the frequency of how ’soulful’ the movement around me is at the time. More soul, more souls to connect with.
Less soulful, like as of recent, less probable. We went to lunch. I had no idea that he was a virgin and I was the first girl he asked out on a date! He didn’t tell me that. He was just really sensitive but at the same time really outgoing and well spoken. At 27 I was a picky veteran!
I remember at lunch weighing him out. I remember thinking what can I do? He’s a good catch but he’s wired in a way I couldn’t mend to! His brain is kilter’d and no matter how I pulled and tugged at it I could see that he didn’t have enough standard-brand-truth for me to work with. I knew it’d be a mess if I bought in. I didn’t know how to tell him ‘no’ so I told him he was too young for me, even though he really wasn’t.
I couldn’t tell him he’s plugged in very strangely for me. I can’t adapt to lying, it’d … break things. I remember telling him I couldn’t and thinking I was saving myself from a heap of dishonesty but at the same time, he was deep love for me. Now I know why he was wired like that. Survival. But it’s some hard wiring and his brand of lying I can’t buy.
I don’t hold a grudge, I just can’t do that. But then, what are lies if his came from a form of self protection? Interesting. Never really weighed that out before but never had to because I’d never met someone before who had to live like that sincerely. I have met liars who believe in it and justify it, his aren’t justified by him, but by his reality. Again, back toward the main vein, my bro and I were in the car and I was listening to this PR0M club CD and it’s 80’s pop and rap, nostalgic stuff for the club, and the second track “say, say, say” came on.
Totally NOT like my brother, he asked me, “Someone gave you this mixed (tape)? Was someone trying to tell you something?” I said what? No. This was from PR0M Club! It was a club I helped (P) put together and promote. Then he said hmm.
Then I realized… Hey! I am dumb! (P) kept getting my input for all the songs, so we put it together. He put a few songs on there that I chose. We made that club and soundtrack together. I have pretty boys all over town and I can’t make heads or tails to save my life!
I don't know. (P) TOLD me when we reconnected and just started dating oh around this time last year that he was taking me in too deep. He was scared, I don’t blame him. He was scared. Again, I blew it. After the first night we got together OH!
Damn that’s right! I forgot… before I went to visit (P) this umm, other boy called me earlier and asked me to go out that night with him so I said ya and then I thought I was just stopping by to say hi to (P). It was … wow. Like we ended up getting together and I wasn’t expecting that AND yet I had a date later so it was weird. I love all these boys and I couldn’t deal. I told him the truth that I had made plans to go out.
He asked me to come back to him instead and stay the night, I didn’t only because I stayed up all night socializing with people. That freaked him out and then our relations were touchy and sensitive after that. After that he was cautious. He wanted me to give in. I still went out with the other guy later who I don’t even want to give a first name initial over due to his semi-fame and popularity and the fact that I didn’t know at that time that he had a girlfriend (ya thanks a lot for letting me know! ) damn.
He had a girlfriend for 4 years he played like she didn’t exist! Nameless boy. AMAZING too. Actually much stronger and dynamic than (P) believe it or not. I guess I expect a lot. He’s in a pretty popular band that he tours with all over the world with other big named bands right now.
They’re b-level but on the up. Wow. Nameless, haa, told me he had a crush on me for years, and I was buying into him and one night… ha, that night that I think it was when the planet MARS was at it’s closest to Earth last year…? Ya that night… he confessed his feelings and tried to get together with me in my car but then I realized someone earlier said something about a girl at his home and so I wasn’t buying in just yet. I don’t like the idea of hooking up in a car off the bat, either. And I do NOT get involved with someone ‘taken’ that’s stupid.
So I put him on ice for that moment. OH don’t screw with a latino boy’s pride. Serious business. If you do, study (their) face afterwards & you’ll see what I mean. Wow. That was difficult.
We both got hurt there. I wanted him but then found out there really was a SHE in the picture and they lived together. Oooh, wrong. What was he planning on doing then? I asked him about us, he played dumb, so I said “ Oh, I’m sorry. Clearly my mistake.
No hard feelings.” Well that got my point across… I could fill in the rest of this portrait… Moments ago I was at the grocery store with this PC soundtrack in my head and boys on the brain and this boy walked past me and he felt like me. So I checked him out. It’s like… they’re men with compassion and empathy toward women as I am to men. My life has led me to see the world that way so much so I can’t relate to, say, women’s fashion much as an average woman would. And the men I attract do the same thing, they respect and empathize toward woman in like. So somewhere in this we can wear each other inside out with compassion - it’s beautiful.
I think to a point they call them ‘metr0sexuals’ these days… still an odd term and class… At the grocery store this boy walked in front of me and stood nearby and I thought he feels like I do! So I studied him. He looked a lot like R of C,R &amp; S of an earlier story. His skin looked smooth and soft like his hair. He was wearing jeans and a pale pink polo but I don’t believe he was gay, it wasn’t a gay vibe that’s a different sympathy buzz. He was as feminine as I am masculine.
I think it’s something we show in subtlety to communicate that we understand each other. I THINK I don’t know but I think these kinds of people grew up close to the opposite sex and tend to see things often through the eyes of the opposite sex if not consciously… THAT is an element in my men that I must have, must. It’s a requirement and I find them all the time. And I have many requirements in my formula. I am lucky I know what I must have. OKAY.
I am forcing an ending to this before it turns into a short story of some variety. Pencil sketchings are on the page… should be worth something sometime. Quick - I am a little dumb there, but I am not dumb-dumb you know. I see things but at times I don’t see things and I had no idea at the tons of love and admiration I have. I am dumb to ever think I was alone for a minute, ever. But it looks like it from here...!!
How come I can't see them! I love you too, I do. Say, Say, Say ~ Paul McCartney Say, say, say what you want, But don't play games with my affection. Take, take, take what you need, But don't leave me with no direction. All alone, I sit home by the phone, Waiting for you, baby. Through the years, How can you stand to hear?
My pleading for you dear? You know I'm crying Ooh ooh ooh ooh. Go, go, go where you want, But don't leave me here forever. You, you, you stay away, So long girl, I see you never. What can I do? Girl to get through to you?
Cause I love you baby. Standing here, baptisted in all my tears, Baby through the years, You know I'm crying Ooh ooh ooh ooh. You never worry, And you never shed a tear. You saying that my love ain't real, Just look at my face, These tears ain't drying You, you, you can never say, That I'm not the one who really loves you. I pray, pray, pray every day That you'll see things, girl like I do. What can I do?
Girl to get through to you? Cause I love you baby. Standing here, baptisted in all my tears, Baby through the years, You know I'm crying Ooh ooh ooh ooh. 
