  I have a new hate.  Hornby.  Hornby Island BC.  I used to love it there.  I looked forward to it so much.  Now I loathe it.
 You can only take the stench of the outhouse scent.  It starts to invade your life,  you cant run from it,  nor can you hide.  Its out to get me.  I don't like camping when I don't have a friend.
 I don't like it all.  The boy I have stalked for the past three years it there.  He's cute.  And he's also growing increasingly older.  Soon he will be old,  and he'll move away.
 And he wont go on family camping trips anymore.  Everything there is growing older,  and fading await.  Everything I used to look forward to is gone,  and everything that's left is fading.  When I talk to people there it feels so distant.
 Like I'm talking into a receiver and no ones on the other end.  Because that's all that's there anyways.  Because anyone who is there is so far away,  and they don't care.  Its like they don't exist.  Because they too,
 have faded away.  Ben was there for the first night.  He left the next day after dinner.  We went kayaking.  It was kind of fun.  I was happy to talk to Ben for the first time since two summers ago.
 Hopefully we can continue our conversation next year.  We had a water fight.  We both got exceptionally wet.  I like being wet.  And because it was Ben who got me wet I didn't care.  If it was anybody else I would have been pissed off.
 Ben's nice.  He's really cute too.  It was good to have a friend for one day.  I got a nice tan.  I guess it wasn't all that bad.  I did a lot of thinking.
 I thought about Troy,  and how one day before we're old we'll have a boat.  We'll talked our boat and go somewhere far away;  we'll a escape.  That made me smile.  Just thinking of him makes me smile.
 But it also makes me cry a lot.  Because sometimes when I think about him I think about how much I'm missing out.  I think about how I've screwed things up with one of the only people I could ever count on.  And the only person I've ever loved like that.  And that makes me cry.  But I guess even if things don't work out I never really lost anything.
 Because just by knowing loved existed,  even for just that short amount of time that I felt it,  it allowed me to know that its real.  So I guess everything's okay.  We rented a boat today.  I got to sit up front,
 not on the seat,  but on the ledge.  It was nice,  listening to the waves crash.  I didn't think about anything for awhile.  Just the crashing of the waves.
 I couldn't see anything but ahead.  I felt like I was flying.  It was like for that 3 and a half hours I was escaping.  And I loved it.  I talked to Peanut today.  It gave me some reassurance of everything I've been doubting.
 I realized some things.  About me.  About him.  About us.  But not so much I realized some things,  because if you asked me what they were I wouldn't know.
 Its one of those things you just know.  Like you feel it.  And I really don't know what I'm feeling.  But its there.  And its good.  I would like to thank Brandon Bird for being phone when I telephoned him while I was on Hornby.
 You prevented me from killing myself.  Also.  Thank you for being home a lot of times.  You and I are tight.  Tight like a Tiger.  I'm dying.
 I cant breathe.  my skin seems to have litle bugs crawling beneath the surface.  But I know they're not really there.  I need another Aspirin.  I need one real bad.  I actually need several.
 I also need to go to the doctor.  Real bad.  I'm going to Hornby again in the morning.  I think I'm going to kill myself.  But I guess if I get liquored up,  and we pitch our tent in the bushes alone everything will be okay.
 Peace,  I loved you all so much.  But Cam probably wont take me to a doctor.  So if I die,  its been real.  PS:
 Main Entry:  1love urlLink Pronunciation:  'l& vFunction:  nounEtymology:  Middle English,
 from Old English lufu;  akin to Old High German luba love,  Old English lEof dear,  Latin lubEre,  libEre to please1 a ( 1)
 :  strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties ( 2)  :  attraction based on sexual desire :  affection and tenderness felt by lovers (
3)  :  affection based on admiration,  benevolence,  or common interests b :  an assurance of love 2 :
 warm attachment,  enthusiasm,  or devotion 3 a :  the object of attachment,  devotion,  or admiration b (
1)  :  a beloved person :  urlLink DARLING -  often used as a term of endearment ( 2)
 British -  used as an informal term of address4 a :  unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another:  as ( 1)  :
 the fatherly concern of God for humankind ( 2)  :  brotherly concern for others b :  a person's adoration of God5 :  a god or personification of love6 :
 an amorous episode :  urlLink LOVE AFFAIR 7 :  the sexual embrace :  urlLink COPULATION 8 :  a score of zero ( as in tennis)
9 capitalized,  Christian Science :  urlLink GOD -  at love :  holding one's opponent scoreless in tennis-  in love :
 inspired by affection.  I love Troy with my whole heart.
