  This weekend one of my best friends in the world is getting married to one of the world’ s most repulsive people…  She once woke me up in the middle of the night in our dorm room sobbing as she watched an Animal Planet series about rescue dogs and could barely get the words out… I was a little creeped out when I opened my eyes and found her head peeking over the top bunk where I was sleeping,  snot running from nose,  hiccupping wildly…
Sarah!  she sputtered,  “ These dogs… they’ re amazing…
they help people!  You have to wake up and watch this show with me— I can’ t do it alone!  She’ s always loved dogs.
 And now she’ s marrying one.  He is from Waco,  Texas.  He is a corporate lawyer fighting for the rights of downtrodden corporate gurus everywhere.  He is a strict southern Baptist—
as angry,  smug,  self- righteous and judgmental as they make them.  He is 25 but looks 40.  He treats her like his pretty little poodle.
 His family doesn’ t like her and none of her friends like him.  She comes from the part of the Southside in Chicago that they spoof on t. v.  and in movies.  Where people love Da Bears and drink Old Style like water.
 Where when people say they’ re proud to be Irish,  they really are Irish and probably go back to visit their relatives every Christmas and summer.  She grew up poor in a tiny house so close to Midway Airport that the house shook from overhead planes 21 out of 24 hours of the day.  Her dad once left a phone message for her that we still imitate six years later,  “
Hey,  hun.  Its yer dad.  Happy Valentine’ s Day… now don’
t you’ s go doin nuttin stoopid,  I may notta’  gone da college,  but I know what boys dat age er like,  and if you need me to knawk any’
a dem blockheads on der asses,  you just cawl me.  Now she’ s marrying into the worst kind of people.  Small town royalty who have never left the state of Texas.  Her mother-
in- law is President of the Waco Junior League.  Her father- in- law is all about the Rotary Club.  They are nervous and uptight and constantly clenching something—
teeth,  fists,  whatever else— when they talk.  They probably aren’ t so bad.
 They just aren’ t…  us .  They just aren’ t her.  Last night was her bachelorette party.
 It was a casual night with our favorite bad foods from college and lots of alcohol.  There were ten of us there and we sat around until 3 a. m.  catching up,  telling stories and laughing hysterically— the kind of laughing where you wake up the next morning and feel sore,
 like you can skip the Pilates tapes for the rest of the week.  Around midnight,  her future mother- in- law called her cell phone from the Holiday Inn and asked when she was planning on calling it a night.  The bride-
to- be replied,  “ I’ m not sure when the party will end,  why?
 Do you need me to do something?  Future mother- in- law said,  “ No.
 But I’ m just sittin’  here real worried that y’ all are gonna do sumthin that’ s gonna come back to haunt you when its time to move into the Governor’ s Mansion…
Just remember who you’ re marrying.  She got off the phone and recalled the entire conversation,  laughing… ha ha ha… last thing we’
d want is for anyone to know that the Governor of Texas’ s wife had a stripper at her bachelorette party.  The room became awkwardly silent… simultaneous nausea.  The current President of the US,  former Governor of Texas,
 is only slightly more repulsive than the guy she’ s marrying… it wouldn’ t be unheard of…  There are certain occurrences in life where the first thing that pops into my head is,  “
Thank God I have the option of raising my unborn children in a foreign country.  This was one of those times.  In my own head,  I have a tendency to try to make mundane events in my life a bit more interesting than they are in real life.  This is probably not the loveless,  Stepford wife marriage I’
m portraying it to be.  They have,  after all,  been living together in Waco for the past 3 years with only a few late night “ come down here and get me… and bring a Uhaul”
 calls,  which seems par for the course in any relationship moving toward marriage.  But at the end of the night,  after a lot of drinks,  she started crying much like the Rescue Dog show on Animal Planet night.  She ran into the bathroom.
 Another friend followed her in and closed the door behind them… things were silent for a few minutes,  and then we heard her yell,  “ I never laugh like this anymore,  okay?
 The wedding rehearsal is in two hours.
