  Anyone find me yet? Guess not. So, let's continue with hearing about mah dramatics, aka my day. Erk. Where do I start? Last night. That's a good beginning. I had thought I had a great day, 'cause I got to go home early from the shop, and I even got to see Derek! It was great. I mean, at least I thought it was. (BTW, I'm writing this as I read Derek's diary, so that I can remember a bit more. And I was never really THAT bothered by tha pranks and such...) If you wanna hear about the first part of mah day though, read the entry before this. Anyway, I went home a while afterwards, after a great dinner at Souplantation after a great swim (Although, I still feel funny after wearing Derek's clothes...) and I went home after eating the first full meal in about 24 hours, and I was satisfied.
I got online. I thought I was fine, until a bit before I had to go. Please, PML. PML means Pardon My Language, if you don't know. The following is just... arrg. Peter IMs me. Peter is an ex-friend of mine. He's constantly pissed off at me now because of one stupid thing - My boyfriend. Okay, look. I basically have no other friends right now, so there's a reason why Derek is the only guy I talk about hanging out with. Because he IS the only one I can hang out with anymore. My offline friends, Amih and Scrubie (nicknames - not revealing their real ones 'cause I dun think it'd be good with them), they're mad at me too, but I just CAN'T see them.
I mean, I'd be able to see Amih if I could, but I'm always busy at the flower shop my parents own. But back to what I was saying. IM pops up with Peter's screen name. I ask him what he wants. He acts like he's about to apologise. He friggin' IMs me so that I'll delete my profile.
Okay, look.
I "matter" to you THAT much? Look, it's bad enough that you're mad at me. If you apparently "hate" me so much, why in the fucking world--?!
You just don't make sense, you bastard. If you HATE me so much, you shouldn't even CARE about STUPID FUCKING THINGS like that! I got really mad at that. And I wanted to talk to Derek, but he was away. And somehow, talking to Bobby (Derek's best friend and a friend of mine), I got really emotional and just basically yelled at Derek on the phone after my talk with Bobby. I was just really ticked off... because people aren't honest with me. I don't CARE if they're keeping back something that they think will piss me off. Because Bobby didn't tell me at all until now that he thought that I was kind of attention-seeking.
I knew that, but I never thought HE thought of me that way. So I called Derek, and just blew it all at him, getting mad at him in the process... and we got into another fight. I felt really bad. What's worse, is that I wasn't the only one yelling. Derek yelled at me back. And I never felt so... I don't know. I felt really hurt. Not at the fact that he yelled, but that I ended up saying that I wanted him to find someone else. I didn't really mean that. I just thought he'd fair off better with someone other than I... And then finally, we just decided we'd talk some other time. I got off the phone feeling hurt and miserable, and I cried because I realised that Derek could find someone else (The thing that I said was "Look, right now... I really think that you deserve someone a lot better... and you know, while we're on this break, if you find someone else... it doesn't matter to me. As long as you're happy") in the time that I was leaving him alone. And it hurt a lot, because deep down inside all I wanted for him to do was stay with me and us be together, because I really need him right now.
I prayed to God that Derek would forgive me for all I said and that he'd understand at some point that I just want him to be with me. I feel asleep. For once. At about 12. To nightmares. Nice thought, that my lullabies were nightmares. What where they... one was this one, that I wrote in mah old blog: I had the worst dream... I had a dream Derek and I really did break up... and it was about a few months later (P-chan, this was about the time of the carcrash vision), in the fall, near my birthday.
I think it was right after my birthday... and I couldn't stand not Derek there, and I went over to his house because he said he'd always be there for me even if we did break up, and I saw him and this other girl go into his house, both smiling and holding each other and such. After they went in I started crying on his front step and eventually ran into the street crying and didn't see a car coming.
I died exactly like my vision. It doesn't end there... It went to my funeral. It was very Buddhist like, even if I'm not Buddhist anymore and I'm Christian. I guess my mom and my sister (Cindy) had an argument about that because they were really mad at each other. Then Derek looked away from my grave and he sighed. I think he started crying a little bit but then his girlfriend came up and gave him a tissue and then walked away. [SHOULDN'T YOU OF COMFORTED HIM YOU-- Wait...why am I complaining about a dream...] Then I guess it flashed to a little bit later when Derek was leaving in his grandfather's car and his girlfriend asked "Hey how did you know that girl who died, anyway?
" and Derek just said "She's just a friend of mine. She doesn't matter to me anymore though. " Yeah. The rest weren't as bad... just other ones pretty much exactly like that. I woke up to a vicious stomach ache. Basically crawled to tha kitchen wiff a headache and choked down my medicine. I asked my mom if I could stay home, but I couldn't.
I waited for my turn in tha shower, and while I did, I cried and prayed that later that day I'd be able to talk to Dare about all of the mess I made. I prayed that it doesn't really matter to me if Derek and I broke up as long as he was happy... cause I felt so bad, I was making him feel so miserable... I finally was cut off when I heard my mom come out of the shower, so I grabbed my things and went in.
I ended up praying and crying in tha shower too, but still. Finally, we left. My mom was asking me about what was wrong (She saw/heard me crying) and I just told her that Derek and I got into a fight, and she acknowledged that (Wow, that's a first) and left me to myself. I went to school and ended up getting a bit more cheered up, due to tha fact that I caught a Bagon in Pokemon Sapphire and named it Yoshi, hee.
He friggin' made Thief, my lovable Level 47 Poochyena, faint - And he was ONLY on Level 25! I luff Jason, he helped me catch Yoshi! (Jason ish mah little chibi dude who helps me play Pokemon. I wish I could help him with his Feebas problem...) I think he also made my Spheal faint and something else - maybe my Marill which I use primarily for Meteor Falls? - and I was really proud I caught him 'cause he was so strong. But when I left (right after I caught Yoshi), I felt pretty miserable because I knew what was ahead of me - a day of thinking about Derek, playing Pokemon, and my stomach hurting. [I realise as I write this that I should start bringing my stomach medicine around with me, but I never think that I would have a stomach ache during school, and yet I always do.
I'll start doing that for high school. ] I got to the shop and basically kept playing, training mah Pokemon for the Elite Four. Currently all of them are on Level 49, and I'm stuck in Victory Road T_T Some road. It's a friggin' cave that's confusing... I was sitting there for about three hours trying to figure out how to get out, and I got out the way I came in.
T_T; After that, I had a talk with my dad if somehow Stephanie (my dad's cousin's daugher, aka my second cousin who happens to be a great friend of mine. She's referred to as either Steph or Cody. ) could come to Alhambra and stay here for about a week. I e-mailed her last night, and she said she probably couldn't due to the fact that she was in Taiwan and that the plane ticket would be expensive after that trip, so yeah, but I still want her to come... I dunno. But my dad gave me a bit of intellectual insight on Taiwan and the flight there and such. Made me miss Cody-chan... And then I got to go home early (considering the usual time, which is at 7:30) 'cause my mom went to go visit a friend's. We closed up at 6 and got home at 7, yay! n_n As soon as I got home I checked my e-mail, and then ran to tha phone (which isn't that far).
I called Derek, and we agreed to meet up. We both basically forgave each other for yelling... and we had dinner together, and just cuddled up on the couch. And now I'm happy again, I guess. I'm exhausted, due to tha day and tha dramatic flourish of events that have happened. I guess I'm more relieved, that I have that person I love with me and that I've resolved these problems.
I dunno.
I should get going - 10:30. Ja mata! ~Crystal 
