  Today was so full of mixed emotions, and confused frustrations. It started off okay. Can you believe that I got up at 5:40am so that I would be ready to get out the door as soon as my ride came, and I was actually late. I woke up to my alarm clock right away, went into the house, took a shower, went to my room, got dressed, brushed my hair, brushed my teeth, and got my backpack together. I just should not have started resting. I wasn't laying down, and I wasn't sleepy.
Once I've taken my shower, I'm not sleepy until halfway through Spanish. I was just sitting down, petting Angel, and relaxing, but when the time came to make my lunch, and breakfast, I was rushing, and I went out the door right, and I mean on the second, right as my ride pulled in. That was fine, and so was seminary, school was great. I was happy all throughout school, and all my classes, up until Math. That seems to be the class that I hate know. There are two reasons.
One is that Richard is clear across the room, and we never talk, and I miss talking to him because I really like him. He's smart, not just smart, but intelligent, he's funny, and he's not horrible looking, not that that will change how I feel about who I like, it's just a plus. It's just, I know I can never have him. As much as people will argue, that I'm so cute, and that there is undoubtedly some one in the school who would date me, I know it's not true. First of all, I'm fat. Just a simple statement; I am fat.
Plain and simple. I'm not horrible looking, I'm not so bad that no one wants to look in my direction, and I don't waddle from side to side when I walk, which is a plus, it's just... I'm pleasantly plump, as Elizabeth Schulte would put it. Also, when I'm around Richard, I act really stupid. I'm not putting myself down when I say that, I mean, I literally act stupid. The kind of stupid you might call a blonde, or, I don't know, anyone who isn't smart.
I act like I don't know anything, and that I'm helpless. I just act plain senseless. It's my form of flirting, even though I know that it doesn't make me look any better than I already do, in fact, it makes me look worst, but, I want some one to like me so bad that I'm making up different personalities for some one to like. I don't even know who "me" is. I really don't. I know that I enjoy certain things, and that there are certain aspects about me that will never truly change, but who I am day to day, is just what I don't know.
So, I act stupid around Richard. The second reason why I don't like math, is because Elizabeth and Heather are both in that class with me, and instead of them each talking to me, they talk to each other. So, okay, I'm jealous. I don't even think it's that, it's just, I now know that they would rather spend their time together, then with me. They don't even include me at all. That might help a little.
It also doesn't help that Travis, Joe, Heather, and Elizabeth all sit in this little square, and Tim sits right in the way for me to be included. So know what I do in math, is something I haven't done since Eighth grade; I actually do math. Now, if only Richard could see that I'm actually a little smart. That's a regular day in math, but today was worse. I was looking at my grade to see, well, what my grade was, and Heather and Elizabeth just left, when we all have the same class together after that. They just left without a thought or care about if I was coming.
Writing this just make me cry because I don't even feel like my friends are really my friends. It makes me wonder if anybody would truly, and I mean truly cared if I just died. Heather has said multiple times that she wouldn't cry if I died, and Elizabeth is just too high in her league for her to care enough about me, and what I feel, and if I would die. I mean, it's ridiculous. I shouldn't be feeling this at all. So the next class was Theatre, and I just let Heather and Elizabeth do their own little thing on the opposite ends of the house seats, but of course, because I am known as the happy 'facts of life' girl, I had to be happy.
And I will be truthful, it is really hard for me to stay sad in the theatre. Also, I just am most of the time happy. It's become a habit, not that I really am having good happy thoughts, but its my facade, and it is super fixed and is going to be really hard to break if I ever find the need to. So, while we were reading Shakespeare, Heather and Elizabeth were on house right, and I was on house left, which are the two opposite sides of the theatre seats, and they didn't even ask me to come sit next to them. I didn't actually mind after five minutes of analyzing what we were reading, and learning things about drama. If there is one thing about me, that will always be the same, it is my fascination with dramatics.
I have, am, and always will be in love with theatrics. It can make my mood so beautifully happy, that I can't help it. Which is why in Microbiology &amp; Genetics, I was so hyper. I was more than hyper, I was acting ADHD! I don't know how I went from super depressed to so hyper I had to shut myself up a million and one times, but it happened. I believe it was that the sub in theatre was trying really hard to get into it, and be a part of it, and make it fun and interesting, which is something sometimes even Cromwell doesn't do all the time.
I mean, she does, but in a different way that the sub was. I really liked his style of teaching. I think the difference was that he was a sub, so he only taught sometimes, and she has had to deal with kids learning theatrics every school day for the past who knows how many years, and she's become accustomed to teaching us kids what a kid will grasp in theatrics, rather than teachings us like adults, and learning along with us, like I think the sub tried to do. I don't think he knew a thing about drama, but he was learning along with us. I really liked it. So all through Micro/Genetics I was hyper, making Heather hyper, because my frustration towards her just melted away with the anger of it all in drama, and Ashley Fanning became crazy, because she was our partner, and therefore was infected with our contagious hyper-ness, and I spent the entire period wanting to get outside.
I was going to walk with Heather, and even Christina was going to walk, but then it was sprinkling, and Christina wanted to ride the bus, and I felt an overwhelming sense of commitment to Christina right then. For the past couple of weeks, month, the last year in general, I feel like we have been growing apart, still being close friends, but we were once much closer, and that is partly do to my lack of interest in life. I won't make excuses, but sometimes I just wanted to give up. I haven't told anybody that, not even Christina, because, I just don't know how to. I don't want to commit suicide, but, I just want to stop, give up, breeze through life as a nothing. And that meant leaving my friends behind too.
But Christina has been trying for the past couple of weeks to get us back to the state we had been and could be, and I just finally noticed that she is trying to help me out. Make our friendship everything it can be. I'll admit, sometimes our views go in opposite direction, and sometimes I just want to beat her up, because we don't agree, but I love her to death. Not many people have been able to look past that rough exterior, and see what I have. She is able to be a bully, not as much anymore, but at one point in time, she was, but if you look into her eyes, and read her soul, you can see, I did see, that all she wanted was love. Love from friends, and boyfriends, and family, though she may not be able to admit it to even herself.
And I want her to feel that I'm here for her, that I love her, and that she can talk to me about anything. So I rode the bus, and I thought, this is it, this will be our turn around, and I will be happy again, truly happy, and I will want to keep going, and I will have something stable in my life, even if it is just one friend, because I know that she would do that for me. And then we got on the bus, and she started talking to Krys, a new friend she's made, and I wanted to poke my own eyeball out with a pair of scissors, because I don't want her to laugh, and have more in common, and have "those one times" with anybody but me. And because I haven't been there for a while, she's found others to have "those one times" with, and who can be there for her, because I wasn't. It was my epiphany, my wake-up call, the thing that shook me out of my deep sleep, and I knew that I had to tell her, that, I needed her to be my friend, and not have more in common with some one else. So, while we were in the library, I told her jokingly, in a round about way, how I felt.
It came out more as I'm jealous of these new people your hanging out with and hugging, and you can't be their friends anymore. I didn't know how to tell her, that I love her, and I don't want to loose her, and that I just want to her to realize that I have no one right now that I can turn to, that loves me as much as I need. That my father is an alcoholic who doesn't even come close to understanding what he puts me through. That my little sister hates being with me, doesn't even like me wanting to talk to her, thanks God for her friends, before me at a Thanksgiving dinner. That I have a mother who's TV programs always come before me. They when I need to talk to some one, no one is there.
That I just need her. It was so hard to even look at her at that moment, because I was ready to burst into tears, because I was trying to tell her everything I was feeling, without making her feel bad because there was nothing for her to feel bad about, and that just coming close to the subject made me really emotional. I need to tell her these things, but I don't know how to without hurting someone, even myself. And I don't know when to do it either. I don't have the time to have her come over and for us to get in the comfortable point where we talk about everything. The last time we did that was after she broke up with Chase, and that was so long ago, I can't even remember.
We walked home, laughed about things I was so disconnected from because I needed to be emotionally disconnected to be emotionally stable. I went to mutual, which was a lot of fun. We just played some theatre games, and hung out, had a doenut, and I was in even a good enough mood that I played the piano. And then I came home. All I wanted to do was talk to mom about how I was tied down with homework. I just wanted her to listen.
But every time I opened my mouth, all that came out in response from her was that I was grounded for three weeks, which I know won't stand very firm, but still. I only wanted her to love me enough to listen and understand, that I can't breathe sometimes because I feel like nobody in the world loves me. I just need that reassurance, and I can't be guaranteed it. And so, I got into my email after crying to God, and hoping that tomorrow would be better, when a long expected email arrived, consisting of Christina's latest journal. It was packed full of everything that has happened for her that I have just ignored for the past year. I have been as emotionally detached in the past year as I was today, and I didn't even see everything she was going through.
Maybe giving me her journal was a way to make me see, or maybe it was just an innocent gesture to show me some of the things that happened and the feelings she felt that I didn't really inquire about. But whatever it was, I just wanted to cry, because I had missed it all. I mean, I had been there physically, but emotionally, I was gone off in space. I had let my very best friend in the world down. Completely. I don't know why or how I could do it, but I did, and I hate myself for it right now.
I just want to call her up and tell her that I love her, and I want to hug her, and tell her that I'm sorry. But, it's 11:39pm, on a school night, and she is asleep in her bed, I'm sure. Which is where I should be. I don't know how to end except to say, I should have done my homework, but I'm glad that I chose to reevaluate my life instead. If I had to do this day over, I wouldn't change a thing. Except possibly my outfit. 
