  lost in the abyss called love am i.  how did i do this again?  i know not.  i find myself facing a delimma i never have faced before,  and i find myself torn between two alternatives.  i can't imagine what is going to happen,
 nor do i want to,  but maybe putting all of this on my journal will help clarify things.  one the one hand,  i could tell this girl how i am feeling,  and have her even more confused and swayed by her emotions,  or i could keep myself severed from her emotionally,
 and then let her be happy and keep myself sane in the process.  the question is how do i feel about her?  i don't know.  i love her,  that is known,  but how much?
 do i confess the extent to which i care about her,  or do i only hint at what could be and leave it at that.  the girl herself is in a confused state as well.  she's bouncing between what physical attraction she has towards me,  or what emotional connection she has with her b/ f.
 yeah.  i don't know what is going on anymore.  scary.  i don't want to interfere with her life,  and it seems i have no choice.  she is my best friend.
 my confidant.  my.  she is too much to me.  maybe that is why i have these conflicting feelings.  i will always be left with the wonder of what could have been.  but i am afraid of trying to start something.
 i am afraid of everything.  i am afraid of starting something i can't finish,  afraid of falling deeper in love with someone and losing her again,  afraid of being afraid.  i am so scared of what could happen that right now i shiver when i think about it.  it could easily become the best experience or the worst in my life.
 and i think not of the connections that could be made or broken.  she and i have so much in common,  can understand each other so well,  it uncanny.  but at the same time,  i don't want to rip away a part of her she will always need,
 and i think it would hurt more to know that she is with me and needs someone else than being with the person she needs and me being her friend.  if i could just kiss her once,  feel the caress of her lips against mine,  for just an instant,  to feel the flicker of a spark that will never be,  the spark that would ignite a firey relationship.
 i would be whole.  to kiss the one person who truly understands me.  the most pure person i can see in my eyes at this moment,  the most beautiful,  innocent,  graceful being on this earth,
 to say that i touched her lips with mine,  would be a gift from heaven.  if i could kiss an angel.
