  The dictionary defines the word "talent" as "a marked innate ability" and "natural endowment or ability of a superior quality". I wish I had some kind of talent. The list of things that I cannot do is numerous: Dance Act Sing Paint Juggle Do a cartwheel or handstand Turn my eyelids insde out Chug beer Imitate famous persons Cheat at cards Lie convingcingly Make jokes that are funny and universally understood The list goes on and on.
I am not double jointed anywhere. I do not have the lung capacity to hold my breath for any large amount of time. My memory barely works well enough to remember where I parked my car at the mall, let alone recite something as long as The Gettysburg Address or the Declaration of Independence.
I can't even belch out the ABC's. I once watched a program on television where a young man was featured because he could take any word you gave him and instantly rearrange the letter into alphabetical order. I was amazed. And jealous. What I would give to be able to do that! Just think, if my grand plans of suddenly being "discovered" while wearing sweats at the supermarket or meeting the rich Dr. of my dreams after I trip in front of him and he catches me ever fell through I would have the alphabetizing to fall back on. Some people make lots of money standing on streetcorners all day. I hate to watch tv or listen to the radio these days. Everywhere I turn, there is another glaring, blaring example of just how talentless I truly am. I didn't publish my first novel at the age of 18, that ended up being such a smash hit that they're now making a movie about it. I never recorded a double platinum album three times over and sold out every single concert on my world tour. I haven't been awarded an Oscar, haven't been allowed to make my teary acceptance speech that i've had written in my head for years.
I haven't even invented anything useful like the table that has a dishwasher built into it, or the bagel that includes the cream cheese inside. I am a failure. What I have done, in the multitude of moments I could have been using to research my perhaps hidden talent, is watch almost every single ER episode. And Oprah. I would say Dr. Phil, too, but he has too many of those "families in crisis" shows and I don't care for those. I have arranged and rearranged my CD's in order by last name, first name, color, time I bought the cd, how many times I listen to the cd on an average basis, and whether the cd is "cool" or not.
I have taken more naps on the couch with my dog than is probably advisable. I have eaten an entire box of chocolates by myself in one sitting and not even felt the least bit guilty about it, fallen asleep in the bathtub, and spent hours wandering around Wal-Mart wishing I had more talent so that I could earn a better living to buy more crap at Wal-Mart. Probably I do have some kind of talent. If I wasn't good at something, than I wouldn't be good at anything, and that would make me an absolute nothing. It is also quite possible that maybe I already know what my talent is and I don't like it, therefore I don't practice it. Maybe i'm really good at holding peoples' hair back when they're drunk and vomiting, or i'm a great candidate to be the local park's pooper scooper picker upper.
Maybe just because I have a talent doesn't mean that I want to utilize it. Of course I could say that I'm talented because I have an opposable thumb, and can communicate in sounds other than clicks and grunts, but maybe that makes me sound egotistical and judgemental, like I am better than those dumb monkeys in the zoo picking the nits and lice out of each other's fur and the stupid dolphins who allow themselves to be tricked into jumping through hoops for a few measly bits of dead fish.
So, obviously modesty is not a talent I have fully mastered as of yet. But I have lots of time to work on it, and i'll get to it. Right after I take my nap and watch another hour of Oprah. 
