  And this should take us by its end, to this day hopefuly. I hope its not come across in a bad way so far. I haven't got over it. Leaving you back In January, and the last thing I said to you was BYE as you walked out of the door to school, grumpy because mum was on at you to take your cookery stuff which weighed a tonne. You'd not believe me but even today I was telling someone about how I used to cook with you, and how good you were. You see you are so special that no matter how much time passes I still feel you are part of me at all times.
My tears are running freely down my face right now, and our cat is staring at me probably thinking "they look tasty" but its difficult to distance myself from stuff when writing it down. Time went by and I remember your birthday. I remember the days leading up to it, looking at the money in my wallet and thinking how I could get on a train and come down to see you and we could have gone to pizza hut like we used to and you could have got a salad bowl and half filled it with bacon bits and nothing else. For someone reading this it probably sounds amusing but its all the little things......they all add up to make you. They all add up to make what you are to me. Who you are to me.
Instead I sent a text to dad about it and he sent one back saying I was living in Cloud Cuckoo land and I knew that I didn't want to come back to argue more. So I spent hours walking around shops, and I got you a t-shirt, and a few games and put them in a padded envelope. I spent all of my money on you but money can't tell you how much you mean to me. I knew it wasn't the same as seeing me. I sat there wondering whether I should get you this cd or not and in the end thought that you were your own person and a voucher was best because you could get what you wanted but at the same time it felt so impersonal. Anyway it went in the post and paid extra to make sure it got to you on time.
Would you believe we didn't eat for 2 days that week because we ran out of money and i'd spent it on posting your present. It didn't bother me though. To be honest there have been times when I've not eaten in days and not noticed. Not that I've lost any weight on it. I thought that when it came around to mum's birthday maybe we'd all have spoken but we hadn't. Nothing had changed so I did the same thing.
Went out and bought presents and put them in a padded envelope and sent them off. I got a card back from mum not signed with love or anything so I knew that was her way of telling me that I'd ended it and she was just being civil now. I can't tell you how confusing that was. To put the cards from you and her up, and look at them thinking "Ooh they remembered me, and they do still think about me", but at the same time knowing that they weren't signed with love and that they were material indications that mum was calling it quits. It just seemed obvious from her cards that she had finished with me. So although I've kept the cards they hurt me because they are a reminder of what I had, and a kick in the face to say "you lost it".
Months went by and I didn't hear from any of you. I told friends that I missed you so much and I swear they must feel like taking my head and smashing it against something very hard by now, but they didn't - they just told me that one day you'd understand why it happened and you'd not hate me and you'd want to see me again. So when I was in a pub one evening trying to put a happy face on, celebrating a friend's birthday (he's a pain in the arse) and my phone beeped and it said there was a message from you I was half nervous and half excited. I pressed the button to see what it said but it then said there wasn't a message and I was fraught. I thought it might have been a fault with the phone and then a week later I got another one, and it said there was a message but when I opened it there was nothing. I then got worried and I sent an e-mail to Dad.
I only wanted to know whether you were okay and whether ...well everyone was alright really. Dad replied saying that you didn't care and if you were contacting me it would be tell me that mum was upset and that I should sort it out. So I sent a reply to you and asked you whether you were okay and I got one back saying just "Yeah I'm okay". I didn't know whether it was from you afterall because I wasn't sure whether Dad wasn't using your phone. Then we started to text back and forth and I phoned you. I thought "Great - maybe I'll be able to visit him while he's on his summer holidays" and I was so excited in a nervous way.
I just knew that when I saw you I'd cry because I'd wanted it to happen for so long. But I also knew that mum would be reminded about all that had happened and she would probably hate me still. After I put down the phone we had things happen in our flat. The boiler stopped working and we got a bloke to come and fix it but he was a mistake on the company employing him's list and he actually knew nothing about heating so he managed to wire the mains wire of the switch for the boiler to the cabinet in which it was encased shorting out the electrics in the flat more or less. Bulbs went one by one and we had to get people in emergency to fix things. I got my money out one day, and the next it was all gone.
Saul's parents sent us a money package half way through the week for us to get some food but other than that I don't think I went outside of the door. I knew that as time went by they'd (mum and dad) be thinking that I was stringing you along and being cruel. I knew I had to do something and come and visit soon but I had no money. I also knew that if I told mum and dad I had no money, they'd say "I told you so - what sort of life is that" and that things would get awful again. So I said nothing and counted down the day til I could afford to visit. And I kept that money guarded in my wallet and I promised myself that the letter would be in the post the next day and maybe the next week I'd be with you.
The letter went off and I got no reply. And so a week later I thought maybe you might not have got it. So I bought a small book of botanical postcards and I wrote one out with another letter on it and I sent that too. And I'm sat here a week and a half later and I know that you've probably got both of the letters but that for some reason, mum and dad don't want me to visit. So that takes me up to today. Because I'm sat here and Saul's gone out to see a friend's band play but I've chosen not to go because I've got this on my mind and I thought I might feel more.....settled if I could atleast write all of this down.
I'm not sure whether I do. I've been crying for hours and I've used up so much bog roll that we've got none left. On a daily basis I see things or think things that I want to tell you Ben. You are just the same person in my head and you are close enough in my conscious mind that I constantly reach out to you and picture doing things or saying things, but as the days go by, the things I want to show you or say go down the pan because as the days tick by, so do the moments when I could be spending with you. Of course I love Saul and I'm not saying that I don't want to be with him. What I mean is that for every day I think of you, its a reminder that its another day I'm not in your life in any shape or form.
In fact you might be getting to the point right now when you don't even think of me. I could be fading from your memory - just someone that used to live with you and was quite nice at the time. Someone infact that thinks you are an angel and I will cherish every memory I have of being with you, and pray that I'll have more memories one day to hold onto. This is the last diary entry where I'll be trying to explain things, and the ones from now on will deal with daily thoughts or things I've done. Things that I would like to share with you. I'll do today's ordinary BLOG in a moment when I've got myself together and had a drink.
Its far too hot here and the kids outside are playing football and distracting me. Love always Lucy 
