  Procrastinating: we’ve all been guilty of it, whether we are student, worker or slacker, we all like a good distraction, to get away from whatever it is that we (or someone else) have been nagging us to do for the past hour, month, millenium. Why finish that assignment when you can spend a good two hours trying to beat your fastest score on Minesweeper?
Why do the dishes when there is still a plate left, and you know you can go without clean dishes for yet another day? I’m sure you know the answer, you’re just too f***ing lazy to do anything about it, let alone think about it, right? These have been my top 5 vices, now that I have succumbed to a bad case of the Mr. P’s: 1. Finishing my assignment All of my notes have been written up, the flatmates are out and there is nothing but the sweet hum of the central heating unit. I’m about to write 1000 words, but do you think that I do so? Like hell I do. Why do you think I have started a blog?
Doing this blog adds at least 5 frequent flyer points towards Waste Of Time and 10 points toward Nothing Achieved. As soon as I write 100 words, it will be rewarded with an hour’s worth of coach potato time watching Dr. Phil yell at some poor sod to take control of his life. Way to motivate, but the only thing I want to take control of are the TV and CD player. I’m sure that assignment will eventually write itself .
2. Unpacking my suitcase It has been two months since I arrived back from overseas, but the items in my suitcase are still intact, unfolded, untouched and un-put-away. The stuff sits there like children that have been forgotten to be picked up from school, but there’s no way in hell that I want to move it for the sake of being neat and organised.
God no. Why should I unpack when I can play mental Cluedo of where-did-I-leave-my-cheap-intimates, and where-the-hell-are my-socks? That’s much more fun. 3. Buying the household toilet paper If someone else can beat me to it, why cloud my busy schedule at home by going out of my way to get the Sorbents? I can honestly say that this one is a bit of a non-de-plume because I have finally motivated myself to buy a four pack, but not without loads of affirmative self-talk and fear of not having something to wipe the ‘excess’. If I were any more lazy or procrastinatative, I would have resorted to using the pages of the Melbourne Weekly Times as a subsititute, which doesn’t say a lot about the publication, does it? 4. Finding a part-time job Is this one really necessary to explain? Gettting a procrastinator to find a job is like getting Lillian Frank to feed the homeless on Flinders Street.
Not exactly a symbiotic and harmonious relationship to say the least. But being poor is nothing to boast about when you are living off staples of NQR spag and sauce and day old bread, so unless Centrelink are going to increase my allowance an extra $50 a fortnight, I’m ‘working’ on this one, slowly nonetheless.
5. Excercising Excercising is like an eternal enigma in the world of the procrastinator: they know it exists, but put off the so-called benefits of being fit and healthy for the convenience of being fat and lazy. Since coming back to Melbourne, the only ‘exercise’ that I have done is pressing the remote to watch Ryan piss the girls off in the Big Brother house. By the way, what is ‘jazz-ercise’? I hope you can eat it. Here are the top 5 devices that a procrastinator cannot do without.
1.
Solitaire and Minesweeper 2. Television, and all the quality viewing that it comes with such as Jerry Springer’s ‘Sisters who sleep with transsexual Nazis’ 3. Chatrooms on the Internet 4. Nose picking (I have heard) 5. Masturbation (nature’s gift to the procrastinator) 
