  I think for the most part my weekend with Jon was good. We were able to talk about things and I think for the most part we are on the same page with each other.
When all is said and done I still love Jon and I still want to marry him. It is so hard for me to feel doubtful when he says he is so excited to get married. I’m not always excited to be getting married and I need to get back to that point. I’m not bummed about getting married. I’m indifferent. That could be a problem. I think that I should be so excited I can hardly contain myself. But right now I’m not. I used to be. Chances are my lack of excitement is correlated to my confusion with things. I am hoping that when I am sure again the excitement will return. I think that may be my sign that I am sure. But what if it doesn’t come? Perhaps my happiness with Jon this weekend was an indication that Jon is right for me and with just a little more time the excitement will return.
This is what I want to happen. I don’t want to break Jon’s heart and I don’t want to have to face my family and friends if I do. If I do call this off with Jon, you better believe I will be taking off out of state for graduate school. 
