  When I went out of my house this morning to go to my MRI Jon was sitting in my driveway. He drove down in the middle of the night. It really didn't make me feel any better. It was nice of him but it was too late. But I had my MRI and then Jon and I drove back to Lansing so I could shower and start to get ready for the wedding.
The wedding went well. I made it down the aisle and Chad and Jen are now married. It is so weird to think of Chad as married. He has always been my brother. Our relationship has always been much more than that of typical cousins. It really meant a lot to me to be a part of his wedding. It makes me a little sad when I think back to all the memories with him to realize that it is over.
He has always been one to watch out for me and I know that in my eyes he could do no wrong, even when he did. I am so happy for him and I hope that Jen will make him happy for the rest of his life. She better. Chad's wedding has made me think of my own wedding. You always hear about people saying as soon as they saw their spouse they knew they were "the one.
" That leaves me confused. Do you know that if the first time you saw the person you were 13 years old? I've really been spending my time lately trying to figure that out. I have another question: is there only one? I love Jon, I know that. I want so badly to make him happy. I've told him I will marry him next June 15 and sometimes, most of the time, I am very excited about that. But then, I wonder if I'm in love with the Jon that I first fell in love with and not the Jon now. The Jon now is less nice, less caring, more selfish. I keep telling myself it is the distance.
But I'm not so sure. What if I marry him and find out that the Jon now is really the true Jon and not just something I am perceiving? I'm not sure I could be happy with that. He claims he loves me so much, but why do I feel so lonely and starved for love? But then, there looming in the background is Ryan. Ryan: who reminds me so much of Jon, the Jon I first fell in love with.
Ryan: with whom a sexual tension exists between us. He shows me he cares about me. I know he would drop Aarthie for me. I find myself being less able to keep my wits about me around him. The truth came out from him on Wednesday and for a moment I felt the same. I am torn between two guys. One I am set to be married to and one who reminds me of what I want from a man. That should be the same person, but it isn't. Jon is not being the best fiance right now. He is not fulfilling my needs.
But there is Ryan, filling the void Jon leaves. There is Ryan, 9 minutes away as opposed to 9 hours. All I could think about last night as I drove back to Ann Arbor alone was: Ryan would never do this to me. Ryan thinks I am beautiful the way I am and because of who I am. Jon continually hints at me staying thin. Is Ryan the guy for me? Is Jon? Is there someone else entirely? There is one other huge thing that keeps me from turning to Ryan...Lisa. 
