  I couldn't cry. I was in bed last night, listening to Hear You Me, by Jimmy Eat World. Now, it's already a depressing song, as it's about losing someone you love. But that wasn't what I was thinking about. I was thinking about grade nine, and all the people I'm going to miss. Specifically Kyle Mathe.
I've had a crush on him since Christmas, even if I didn't realize it until the beginning of February. When was the first time I realized it? Hm. Not sure. I think it was the time in science class when he was muttering The Good Fight, by Dashboard Confessional. I turned around to ask him if he actually knew the words, and he just looekd at me before asking the same.
I replied that no, I only knew what it sounded like, and mentionned that I tend to hear the word fire(which is not actually in there, I'm just weird). I have plenty of other memories accumuated throughout the half-year that followed. It would take too long to list them, though. I can try anyway. I feel the need to rid myself of them. Or at least, I hope that's what will happen.
The gobstoppers, and science classes feeling entirely too self-conscious. Occasional conversations about music, particularily emo. Sitting behind him in French, drawing the back of his hoodie(Dead Kennedys). Being jealous of Carly for always having his attention. Being jealous of Abbey for being one of his closest friends. Many a conversation on MSN, most of which began and ended without a word.
Wishing I had the guts to talk to him, even on MSN. Valentine's Day dance, wishing I had the guts to ask him to dance. Sitting in the front of science, looking at the opposite corner to see him curliing his hair around his hat, even while wearing his hood up. Air bands... Gym class, me always wondering where he was, him always showing up ten minutes late. Gym class, him going up against Marc Majeau as the final high jumpers in our class. He lost, despite having stopped holding his shirt down as he ran(Dunno why he did it in the first place.
Carly and Jen told him to stop, so he did.). Many a lunch staring at him in the hallway, with his friends all around him as he got stuff from his locker, and me sitting around with my hallway friends. Looking for him in the morning as I walked into the school, and my heart jumping into my throat every time he was there, and being letdown every time he wasn't. The Pretty in Pink/ Ender/ Blazing Violets show. Heh. That was a good night.
The Ender/ Ten Second Epic show at Red's, even if I didn't actually see him there(I saw Quenton though. That was weird.). Also the conversations that came before and after it. The hour and a half long conversation on msn(to be posted later), in which much bitching was done on my part and consoling on his. I am such a bitch around him sometimes. I hate myself for it, too.
The french class when we decided who would do the toast to friends, where he was actually silent, for once. Heh. (It was actually Kevin and me that did it in the end.). The french class in which I became an open hypocrite, because I mentioned that I liked Dare You To Move, by Switchfoot, and he countered that he liked Meant To Live, by the same, better. I then turned to Carrie and said that yes, I preferred Meant To Live as well, but realized that I was becoming a hypocrite, and added that I wasn't sure how Dare You To Move went, as I had not heard it in a while, and Carrie sang a bit, and I said that yes, I liked that one too. The night before grad, when I asked him to save me a song.
The grad celebration. The dance after the celebration, in which I danced with quite a few boys, and whenever I did try to find Kyle, he was either not there(as I found later), or had another partner already. He was popular, after all. The month that followed, containing me wishing I could tell him I liked him, him probably not being oblivious but acting it, as I am always blatantly obvious when I like someone, whether I want to be or not. The second last day of school, where I had my yearbook(grade eight's, because our school is stupid) with me, specifically so I could get him to sign it. It took me until the last moments of our life in that school before the exams, after all the desks in Mme Larose's room had been moved to the gym and most of the class was already gone.
I asked him if he could sign it, he said sure, and mentioned that he should do it because I was going to "the school for people who are not smart and can't do math and stuff..." and then he turned around to sign it, probably because I looked a bit hurt. And if I didn't, it's only because of some sort of self-control I didn't know I possessed. I had hear that I'm going to "that school" or the "smart people school" or whatever else they came up with since May, which is when it became widely known. The thought still almost makes me cry. It's not like I want to leave them all... Seeing him and a bunch of other people in the mall, and not eating the rest of my hamburger until they went away(they took their sweet time, too.).
The Pretty in Pink/ Ender/ Ten Second Epic show in the community hall. Him sitting on the other side of Adam while TSE played, singing along as if he were alone in the room. Heh. The most recent conversation, about who I am. He had forgotten again. Yeah.
That's not even all of them. Those are just the ones I remember right now. I'm going to miss ESSMY. Why did I do this to myself? 
