  So tomorrow I return to California after spending 10 days back home in New Jersey. Overall it was a great trip - got to see friends, family, the Pine Barrens, and LBI. I spent some great time with Mom and Dad, though the requisite blow-up with my dad today made things a little more stressful than I would have preferred. I said something stupid, and he flipped out, and I apologized, and he remained flipped out. Oh well. I don't think he realizes how freaked out I am.
Neither of them do, and I can't blame them, I'm trying to stay strong for my mom's sake. If she sees me flipping out then I KNOW she's gonna lose it. I almost started bawling today at dinner in TGI Friday's when Dave was talking about the things he'll be doing in Iraq. Ugggh. Every time I think about what he's about to do, I get so upset. Today has been so bad, I've been on the brink of tears all evening long.
And this is not drama-queen bullshit. I honestly don't know how I'm going to handle these coming 7 months without becoming a basket case. I guess I'll basically have to consciously not think about it. I am not looking forward to any of this. I wish I had gotten a chance to spend more time with Dave while I was home. He's spending most of his time on leave with his friends, not family, so I didn't get half the time with him that I wanted.
But what can I do, he's a 20-year-old kid who wants to hang with his friends, not his parents and overbearing older sister. I feel so helpless. I want to help protect him and keep him safe, but other than prayer (which I know is important but is only so mentally empowering) there is nothing I can do. He's such a good kid, he puts on a good "meathead" facade but he really is a very kind, thoughtful, compassionate human being. And so brave. I hope he knows how much I love him and admire him, how proud I am of him.
I feel like we're these two sides of the same genetic coin, and I don't know what I'd do without him. Good Lord, I hope I never have to find out. So tomorrow I get back to SF at 6:30, which is nice 'cause it will give me time to prepare for my first night in my new apartment. I have to get pillows and some other things. I hope I'll sleep, but I'm not sure. New apartment, new sounds, all alone, sleeping on a futon with my shit all in boxes and nothing but thoughts like "will I ever see my brother again?
" in my head. I'm looking forward to getting things in the apartment settled, but I am not looking forward to tomorrow night at all. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ On a somewhat lighter note, I should mention that last night I hung out with Janelle and Courtney (who some of you would know as Kyle's cousin), and it was one of the finer evenings I had during these last 10 days. It was great to get back in touch with Janelle, who is still one of the craziest/sanest people I know, and I love her dearly for it ("Schuykyll Expressway AARRGGHH!!). God I missed that girl! As for Courtney, if you had told either of us back in middle school that someday, we would be good friends, well, Courtney would have shoved a basketball up your ass and I would have just ran away.
Who would have thought that 15 years later we'd be trespassing into Ocky at 10 PM (what a depressing sight that is) and then talking about life until 3 AM? 
