  I've been thinking about relationships and could I actually do the do. The whole couple thing. I was in one a year ago. I couldn't even hold his hand in the street. Uncomforitable as hell, awkward. Wrong guy needless to say.
When I'm in that paired off state, I get nervous and terribly self conscious and unsure of myself. I make all kinds of mistakes, I'm a wreck. That's in public. But that's when I'm with 'the wrong guy'. The guy I don't feel natural around. The one that doesn't allow me to be myself.
Personally, I stay away from relationships. Too much compromising. Sure I'm willing to change things and give and take. But, if I'm not allowed to be who I am as a person, forget it. Supposedly, 'who I am' is part of what attracted you to me in the first place, not 'who I could become'. I don't like to be accountalbe for my actions or to put myself in the position where I'm set up for verbal abuse.
Been there, done that. Never again. My last relationship was very verbally abusive. It made me feel like I did when I was growing up, which is why I probably let it go on for as long as I did. Old habits. In many ways he reminded me of my father.
I was weak, still mourning my uncle, in need of some attention. So much of me knew better, but I was weak at the time. I wised up, got stronger and got rid of him. Never again. I'm left with feelings of mistrust. A huge desire to be alone, which was there all the time.
And a greatfulness that I'll never have to see him again, although for some reason I still talk to him. He's one of those manipulators you just can't get rid of in your life. But distance and will keep him out of mine. There's no love lost on him. Just concern, I expect to hear he's dead one of these days. His life is that fucked.
He taught me that 'Even flowers have their dangers and nice is different than good. ' That's from Into The Woods, one of my favorite plays. So I keep my life simple by keeping to myself. Sometimes I miss male companionship. Then I remember the consequences and hope that one day I wont feel this way. But I doubt it, I'd rather be safe than sorry.
Too many predators out there. Too much bullshit involved in keeping up a relationship, even a healthy one. 
