  Confessions of a “Practical” Student The reason I went to law school was simply because I could not find a job with my degree. The economy in 2002 was in shambles. I urge you not to go to law school for that reason. If you go to law school, you should go because you have thought it over carefully and you love the law. When you go to law school, you enter into a marriage with the law. If you go with your eyes open and with a passion and love for the law in your heart, then you should do ok.
It will not be easy – law school is not an easy path to take – but you should be able to weather the tough times and become stronger for it. My marriage with the law began on the wrong foot … and because of that, I ended up staring into an abyss and having the abyss stare right back and through – almost consuming -- me. I had always sort of entertained the idea of law school – after all, I did like government and history and political science and all of those things were related at least tangentially to law – but, I never felt a deep passion for studying law or for becoming a lawyer. To me, it was just a vocation, like being a firefighter or a factory worker or a pharmacist. Something to do, something that paid well. But it was history and the Civil War excited me.
Law … was boring, dry. My college professors urged me not to go, to go to graduate school instead. But I was consumed with being practical. The job outlook was far better for lawyers than for history majors. At least if I took out loans to pay for law school, I could someday pay them back … I wasn’t so sure about grad school in history. So, I didn’t really want to go to law school for any reason other than I needed something to do and it seemed practical.
But, I dreaded it. I had heard bad things about law school. The Socratic method. The work load of dry materials. The hours it would consume. (And, I had never even read 1L or seen the Paper Chase!
) Because I didn’t really want to go, I spent the summer between college and law school browsing the classified ads in the paper, secretly hoping something better would pop up and give me an excuse not to go. Of course, the paper gave birth to no great job for a history major and Civil War buff. I resigned myself to try law school, comforting myself with the idea that maybe I could make good money as a lawyer and then, someday, I could pursue my passion for history. So the law and I definitely got off on the wrong foot. I dutifully went off to law school when orientation came. The material was dry and boring, but I seemed to do ok with it.
Still, law school seemed foreign and I was certain everyone was much smarter than me. I felt inadequate, tormented, and dumb. I resented some of my classmates for seeming so smart … particularly the ones who were so smug. Even making friends among my classmates didn’t relieve the terrible feelings of self-doubt. I never raised my hand. Although I felt inadequater, I usually did the bare minimum as far as reading, briefing, and assigments, resenting the time commitment demanded by the law.
I perpetually rode a wave of liking the law at times and being interested in the material to being wiped out and feeling intellectually unstimulated, bored, and terribly apathetic. In the back of my mind, I was always planning my escape, what I would do when – not if -- I flunked out. Fall exams came. My grades were surprisingly quite good, with one exception. Considering my apathy, you would not think I would care. But I did.
What was wrong with me? Did I actually want to excel here? If so, why? Self-doubt began to torment me again. Grading seemed so … random. And, I had worked so hard actually studying for finals … and this was all there was to show for it?
I hated my school … hated it for its curve, for its odd class schedule, for being a windowless, ugly tomb. Most of the second semester I was completely apathetic and by turns glum and ludicrious. Mostly, I neglected the law. Although I would do the bare minium – if for no other reason than pride and not wanting to look like an idiot if I got called on in class – I spent most of my time goofing off with my website or buying stuff online and surfing ebay. I didn’t try to find a summer job. I tried to calculate how I could escape from law school … how I could still find a job and escape from the snares of student loans.
I could not forumlate a good plan. I didn’t flunk out as a 2L. My grades were good enough to put me in the top 1/3 of the class – not bad. But, I still didn’t feel any love for the law. The marriage between me and the law had a very rocky first year. My 1L year was the worst year of my life.
I couldn’t deal with another year like that. I couldn’t even look myself in the mirror. I felt tired, glum, apathetic, and disgusted with both myself and the law. It was time to think. A lot of self-reflection left me concluding that I didn’t want to be defeated by law school. I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself and determined that, having picked this course, I needed to do my best or not be able to look at myself in the eye in the mirror.
So I decided I would need to become friends with the law. Even if it killed us both. I started to run again, something I had given up before my 1L year, and I felt better. I observed in a judge’s chambers in municipal court for a month. I mostly enjoyed a break from the law. I think the separation helped heal some of the bad feelings.
Slowly over the long course of the summer, I started to get interested in law. Goaded by self-doubt and my new “interest” in law, I decided to try the summer writing competition for law review. The law review at my school is the top 10% of the class and a few write-on members. I’ve been told I’m a decent writer. And I was not THAT far off the top 10% (it wasn’t like I was last in my class or anything). And, scholarly work interested me.
So why not try? If nothing else, law review would give a little bit of presitige to my resume and maybe open some doors. I plunked down the money and purachsed the huge packet – it was to be a closed universe assigment so there was no outside research involved. The assigment was to write a case comment on Newdow – that’s the case that came out of the 9th circuit challenging the consitutionality of the Pledge of Allegiance. It was actually interesting. I waded right in and managed to write what I thought was a decent case comment.
I turned it in and hoped for the best, mostly expecting to be turned down. But, lo and behold, the law review chose me. I went back to school still with some self-doubt, but it has gradually faded. I liked my 2L courses much better than my 1L courses. I don’t dread going to school like I did when I was a 1L. I even occasionally raise my hand in class.
I feel a little more confident in my abilities and more comfortable. Most importantly, I can look myself in the eye. The law and me … we’re now good friends. There’s still no love there – I’m sure that’s partly because of sore feelings from 1L year – but it’s possible some day there may be a little love between the law and me. posted by The Reflecting Wave Rider | urlLink 3:48 PM | 0 footprints left in the sand &nbsp; &nbsp; 
