  And so, this is my brutally honest entry. Everything you may have read here thus far has only been half truths, half of the story, half of my insides. And so now I'll spill them out for you, set them out there for all the world to see, for everyone to judge, for everyone to read and disregard.
This is my confessional. ON LOVE: I've always been searching. Crystal pointed out to me last night as she was breaking up with me that she's never known me as a single person, I would go from relationship to relationship, never taking a break from the dating scene. She thought this was a bad thing, but it's what I want. I've known what I wanted ever since I was 15, and had my heart broken for the first time while talking on the phone, sitting on the floor of my room. That was the first time I had ever loved, and that was the first time the girl didn't love me the same way I love her. I've been told by someone that I have a larger than average capacity to love. Perhaps this is my downfall. Everyone I love is not mentally capable of loving me back that much. So, the first time I fell in love I was only 15. Some would say that's far to young to know what love is, but I have to disagree. I realized not long after that day, that there were few, if any people out there who were capable of the love I was looking for, but I wanted it so bad.
So I continued to look. Everytime, I'd have my heart broken, either by a girl, or by some twist of circumstance. Or both. When I met Crystal, I was dating Shyla. I knew that Shyla cared for me a great deal, but I was still looking. I was looking because Shyla didn't love me, and I knew she never could. She was simply infatuated, and that was all. I met Crystal at a youth rally, and while sitting on a gymnasium floor, I could tell instantly that there was something very different about her. I thought..."perhaps this is the girl...one of the few..." She did seem to be a girl that was capable of love as deep as I was looking for...there was something about her eyes..I knew she was looking for something, if not to be rescued, at least to be taken away.
I wanted so bad to take her away and keep her all to myself. Alas, it couldn't happen. One night, Amanda, Ashlyn and I were going to a punk show. I had just broken up with Shyla a few days before, and was planning on having a... discussion with Crystal, and was hoping by the end of the night I would have a new girlfried, and she would have a new boyfriend. It was not to be. By the end of the night, she had a boyfriend, but I was still alone. When I first met Crystal, I had given her the drawstring to my hoodie, she tied it around her wrist like a bracelet.
I told her to wear it forever. The night I seen her with her "new boyfried", I asked Chelz to look in her giant purse for some scissors. Nobody understood, but that was OK, they didn't need to. If I had gotten a hold of some scissors, I was going to walk up to Crystal and cut the drawstring off her wrist. I didn't find any scissors, and the drawstring survives to this day. I didn't talk to Crystal for a long time after that.
Months went by. I continued on my quest, and started dating Brandi. Brandi and I did have some great conversations at the beginning of our relationship...and we did get along great. However, we held on far too long after anything that had been there was gone. I couldn't stand to let her go, but it was hurting me so much to be with her.
I'd often cry to myself at night...I think she's inspired some of my best poetry as well, just because of the pure emotion she made me feel. After we broke up, we were both dating someone else within 2 days. It should have happened long before it did. I was finally with Crystal. It was what I had been after for so long, just couldn't admit. I was scared I'd get hurt, and loose her, like had happened the last time I met someone like her. As our relationship progressed, I fell in love more and more, and so did she. However, as her feelings of love grew stronger, so did her doubts. She's always doubted.... *TO BE CONTINUED**** 
