  In 45 minutes, the clock will tick past midnight, and Christmas Eve will give way to Christmas Day, 2003. Over the years, Christmas has meant many things to me. Years ago, I would stay up all night, listening to the "Santa Report", a radio show put on by one of the local stations, tracking Santa's progress around the world.
I would stay awake all night, giddy with excitment, waiting for the moment, when I could run to the living room to find a mass of pleasantly wrapped boxes under a lighted tree, and together with my brother, tear away the shiny paper and reveal what we had behaved all year for. Then, as I progressed in my life, and came more in touch with the spiritual side of life, it was a time of rejoice, a time of happiness. It was a time to celebrate the birth of a savior, a man sent to wash away the sins of the world. A time of fellowship and fun. This stage of my life was a defining one, and shaped me into the person I have become today. Last year. I spent the evening at Crystal's house, with her family, playing Ski Resort Tycoon on my brand new laptop while her extended family rushed around the house, getting ready for supper.
Her family did everything on Christmas Eve, and mine did the majority of it on Christmas day. So it all worked out. If I remember correctly, she spend Christmas Eve in my bed, and I had the privilege to wake up on Christmas day with her arms wrapped around me. And though I don't remember what I got from anyone but her, it may have been the best Christmas of my life. How things change in the course of a year. Now, I have no one. In a way, I am content with that.
I had a conversation with Kiel the other day about how materialistic we are. He brought it up, and I see it in my life, as well. Even the girls we take out, they have to look a certain way and behave specifically. We want to look good, and sometimes, the women we're with end up as accessories, like a watch or a belt. It's not something that I plan for, or soemthing that I even want to happen, but it does. I don't know what to blame for how I've been lately. It could be the work, it could be the music, it could be leaving the church. It could be anything.
This year, Christmas feels so empty. So much nothing. I want someone, any single one of you, sitting at my kitchen table with me, drinking Rum and laughing about the old times, or the new times, or the unfolding times...Depending on the situation, I suppose. I just don't feel....real, tonight. I want that feeling back 
