  Grey, Gray, cold shoulder air. My walk to work was blurry. There must have been objects along my path to my office, uneven pavement, sidewalk cracks, other hurried persons, speedy cars and loud buses. However, I can’t remember them. All of the sudden through a maze of objects, I am here, in this chair, which I swear gives me what you call ‘bed sores’ cause my ass is on it all day, staring at a monitor hoping to find excitement at what I stare at. Nothing more, nothing less. I have been blessed to have a vivid imagination, which does allow the time to pass. If only those objects that I go through everyday where of a tangible sort, something organic, alive and maybe colorful. Green? Tropics? Animals? Sands and rock? How did I become accustomed to these other lifeless objects of the ordinary path of me?
Why do I ask open ended questions? I fidget with my hair, finding what’s left of it and the pink bumps named mosquito bites I was given the other night. My five dollar haircut will not leave my mind. Five dollars! I came out looking better than a 45 to 50 haircut. The lady didn’t speak a word of English, I motioned what I wanted not knowing what I wanted. She did it beautiful. The first comment I got was that I looked like an elf. I didn’t mind that. Most people these days like elves and elf attire due to Hollywood. The fidgeting also involves the fact that I have been habitually scratching my mosquito bites from the night before. I saw her. She was a female mosquito and I knew this because female mosquitoes are most aggressive.
I sort of believe reproduction induces violence in nature, female mosquitoes need blood to nourish their eggs hence aggressive biting. I wanted to get West Nile disease. Why would anyone want a disease? One weird answer comes to mind, because I could fight it. I could win the war, nature verses me. I suppose it’s foreign and unthinkable but I need to be honest.
Yes, I did turn this over in my mind. Realizing my horrible idea which probably wouldn’t amount to any mental fame, was odd in nature, I didn’t really shake it off. I kept wondering why a person would think that way. Writing this I look down at my thighs laying in this black bulky office chair, I think to myself how thick and unpleasant. I weigh about 105 pounds, yet, I feel obese. My job despite the glory of litigation lawyers and some of the interesting aspects of research and law libraries, I still find myself in a low shallow dirt hole, hibernating like a shrew eating what I can on the forest floor called grey corporate carpet we all know too well. I walk consistently looking or trying to find a reflection, trying to see if I am what I really think in the outside world. Is it the weird face mongrel with the large thighs and hips, short in height and shy in the face really me?
People look so happy when I see this in me. I see girls free from any evils, guys happy with Starbucks Frappacino drinks in one hand and with glittery cell phones that light up their faces in the other. Everyone is content. The outside kills me. At home, I am different. The apartment is free of clutter, clean and hospitable made by me. Joseph adds the comfortableness to the home. We are an equation. I am free there. The mirrors are soft.
I don’t like to find my reflection there either but when I do half closed eye in the morning, it doesn’t seem so bad. It is until I reach the brisk air, the slamming of the front door that I crawl inside myself waiting for the next box to come out in ease, the warm, the security, the ideal. Back to my box called office, I work busily, moving around, paper this paper that, making vague conversation with co-workers hiding the true feelings I have about life, nature and the mind. Sometimes I let out my true ideas or Ideology, I forget where I am and start speaking opening accompanied with nervous fidgeting. In a flash I see myself, standing their moving about, smiling, speaking, feeling everything I say with excitement only to look over at the other party, seeing their blankness expression or half cocked smile seep out.
I stop myself immediately. Excuse myself by saying “Who am I to think this”, walk away. In these moments I think of all the nature documentaries I have seen on so many different species. Their lives are engrained in my mind, their movements, their clumsiness at times and their love. These living organisms are what they are, nothing more. It all seems so simple for the mind to be this way but hard on the body just to live in environments with nature violence, different than human violence. I find so many parallels in life that make sense, and when I see this I am ashamed on how I act in my mind. How dare I see myself in these ways, how dare I entomb myself. So you see disease makes sense. I can finally escape for one second, and be part of those documentaries that I watched in the soft blankets and pillows, as body v. nature.
Nothing more, nothing less. 
