  HELLO blog world. Well.........I've been reading some blogs here lately and tonight I thought...."hmmmm, this is cool and may be a cool way for me to start venting the many things running through my feeble brain" which by the way......can be strange and a little outlandish at times. I guess the best way to start is with how I am feeling today! To sum it up in two swift words..HORNY and LONELY. Which probably wouldn't be so bad BUT I AM MARRIED. WTF???? Short background info: Divorced in 1996.......remarried in 1998 to the man of my dreams............I still feel that way about him in my heart but we are going through alot right now and I am absolutely unsure about the stability of our marriage. As a matter of fact (and this is where I got my blog name from) I think he is cheating on me. Now that sucks!! Do I have any proof you ask?? Nope, not an ounce of real proof , just a woman's intuition and some weird happenings lately(that I'll get into in another post) , not to metnion the fact that he is totally not talking to me at ALL right now for reasons I don't even know. WTF?? I've been reading "suburban sex blog" ( which is great by the way) and reading from a man's point of view I can see how I may have made my hubby, whom we'll call "C", feel this way many times in the past. Not that this is a good enough excuse for "C" (even though I think it is, but who the hell am I??
) I had surgery in 2002, a hsyterectomy and then 2 surgeries very closely afterward and my sex drive plumeted and my weight went up (going down dramatically now thank God!! ) but this put a heavy toll on my marriage, both aspects, and made me start to question whether he had actually married me because I was HOT as hell and always ready to have good sex (only with him by the way) or if he married me with the thoughts of (hold your breath) "I love this woman and will stay with her through good and bad, thick and thin".....gasp! Imagine!!!! Does anyone do THAT anymore??? I thought I used to know the answer to this question, but the last 2 years have made me question his motives and now his real feelings for me.
So anyway....................Our marriage starts going downhill after the surgery and the sebsequent side effects, then he gets called from Army reservist status to serve active duty in Iraq. While he is gone, we mend our marriage, the best we can from over 7000 miles away and 14 months over the telephone and e-mails. He's been back 6 months now and our marriage is heading down the same path that it was before he left............NOT good.
Don't get me wrong........When our relationship is good....it's fantastic! but when it's bad...it sucks. I'm sure "C" feels the same way. I have to say here that I do love him very dearly and I know part of me always will. As I said...............I love him dearly but we both have "issues" and I have a major issue because I know (he told me in detail of his infidelities) that he cheated on his former wife of 17 years almost the whole time they were married.
I, having the overactive imagination that I do....can't stop myself from thinking....."once a cheater, always a cheater", "you can't teach an old dog new tricks". So now...............exactly one week ago yesterday,I go to see my GYN (female doctoer for all you guys out there) and we change my hormones around AGAIN!! For those of you who don't already know this.....hormones can wreak havoc on a woman in many ways....mood swings.....sex drive, ability to gain or lose weight....body temperature, you name it and it's on the list. So anyway.........I'm babbling.....what do ya know??? WALA!!! My doc and I have found that magic potion and now my hormones seem to be very balanced and FANTASTIC (for now anyway..knocks on wood) , in just one weeks time, I have tons of energy, I am dropping extra pounds like hot potatoes and my sex drive is through the roof, literally!
and NOW, NOW of all times........"C" has decided to NOT speak to me and I mean totally NOT speak to me at ALL!!! (I think I've heard that somewhere before.....lol) You have to realize that LAST time he did this "I'm not speaking to you thing" he went and filed for divorce and on Valentine's Day none the less, so YEP!!! I think I do have reasons to feel paranoid. He later changed his mind and had the divorce dropped. Part of me says "grow up, your acting like a 15 year old asshole" and the other part of me screams...why now???? not now!!!!! Just when things are on the upswing for me in the life department, my marriage is heading down south. What the hell is up with that??? I'm so torn between "damn, I'm tired of these childish games......to hell with it all, let's move on" -to- "OMG!!
I love this man with all my heart and I can't imagine being without him. So what's a girl to do?? I guess I've babbled enough for a first post..............any insight, any ideas??? anyone been there, done that? I'll try to get into more details in another post and ALSO try not to bore y'all to death with my sometimes incoherent babbling :o) Not so sure how this whole "blogging" thing works and exactly how to set up this site with a list of other blogs that I read so if anyone has any tips...my ears are wide open and awaiting your advice. By the way....Go USA, can you believe how the individual all-around gymnastic finals turned out? WOOHOOO for us! We ROCK!! "D" 
