  Re: Little bits of slight insanity from abroad Rain drops on couches and löyly in saunas, Brown paper packages tied up in string, These are a few of my favourite things. Yes Folks, it is time for the last Andrew update from Finland. It has been, what, (jees, the word what looks SO wrong! ) six months or so since I last wrote? you will all note, even those of you who typically are corrected everytime you write, that my spelling and english grammer are attrocious and I have to say that my Finnish grammer isn't much better but my finnish spelling is on its way to being perfect thanks to the truely phonetic language they have here. That was a run on sentance if I have ever seen one.
Things to be proud of: I compleated my Senior Thesis. I compleated school here. I Graduated form Upper Arlingtion High School (I think... still have only heard that they called my name at the ceremony so I think that qualifies). I made it through a year, I believe that my first thing (please insert the appropriate noun for whatever this is) I wrote was about two weeks in and now I have about two weeks to go. These are allthings to be proud of so why am I still not happy? Well, a thinking person would say it has something to do with the fact I leave soon.
I can't stop dweling on it. Everyone at home says I can't wait for you to get back and everyone here says how do you feel to go home? AAAAAAHHHHHHHH I can't deal wioth all of this. It is truely worse than trying to deal with the homesickness that struck me down. Now I regret giving in to the homesickness in the first weeks and I am sad that I couldn't save myself form the depression during December. I appologise to the Järvikangas family for bringing all of them down.
It was unfair and selfish of me. I am acutally ashamed and slightly angry with myself. Being angry with myself doesn't help in the slightest. if anything it makes everything worse. Not that it isn't bad enough. I got back about 20 hours ago from an amazing mini vacation.
I spent two days with my first host family, well Jenni, Juho and grandma... Kyllikki was in Helsinki with her beau and Sanna is in Bulgaria of all places with a firend for God knows what reason. Then I want with Maria and her sister Sofia to their family's summer cottage. The cottage is in a tiny town called Sumiainen. ***** And now the internet isn’t working… something is wronmg and the tech wiz is going to work. Jussi may keep me up all night going up and down the stairs trying to fix the intenet but if it means that I can send this to you I am okay with it. By the way, though I never htought I would say this… I am a fan of Word (ahh he has converted me… must get to mac machine before it is too late and I join the windows borg AAHHH) Like the title said, I am sending little bits of insanity from abroad.
ANYWAYS… Sumiainen is a tiny village that rminds me of half of Port Clinton, Ohio, where my Aunt and Uncle live for those of you who don’t know. The taxi (note the use of the… there was only one and it is only there because the summer tourist season has offically started) sat outside the resturant which looked and smelled really good. (yes gran restaurant is still giving me issues but I sdon’t really care right now… I have bigger fish to fry like the and taksi). In the superemarket the employees out numbered the countomers by at least two to one. Okay I can’t do this… I need to admit that I am beaten by the emotions involved in this. I have been so good about not being homesick this second half of the year.
Thanks to good friends, a good school, and another good host family (plus the old one that I could escape to if I needed it and it did let me tell you…). I have said good bye to people already, I may never see Maria (Costa Rica) again and while she was only a small part of this year it is already gone for me. There is nothing sweet on this end of the bittersweet trip home. All that is sweet is at home… a light at the end of the tunnel that is slowly getting longer by the day. I have things to do, my future to plan. I was accempted into Hope College (for you non-Americans, think Uni).
My eyes are sparkeling with the uncried tearts of the emotions that have welled up inside me for the past six months. I am sitting here typing with bad posture in my yellow hoddie and my pj pants. When I am not tyoping, I am clutching a cup of tea., singing along to the currently cletic tunes flwoing out of the speakers by the computer with a soothing and calming consistancy, and even playing with my nails which by the way need to be cut again… I have to find the trimmers… Speking fo finding things I have to clean my room. Not just pick up or even general cleaning but cleaning half a years worth of things out of my little personal balck hole. I don’t know what on earth I am ging to keepå. I am scared to g into my room.
It is so disturbing to realise that I don’t know what will happen when I do. When the room is clean I have to pack and weigh my things. after packing a waighing comes the unpacking of the daily items or the repacking to make weight or size limits. I did it coming here and I haven’t bought any clothing or anything but I am amazed at the amount of crap that I have amassed over the year. Being a pack rat doesn’t help because each thing I have a memory for and I can’t berar to through a memory away. I haven’t takent he time to make a photo album or a memory book or anything which is entriely too stupti to put inot words but that means that I need to do it soon.
but when? I said I am unsure of what will happen but I know what will. I have to go on. I have to continue with my life. I have to get up tomorrow early enough to get ready for the day and eat before we go bake with Anna a little old woman from the east who is going to teach me how to make karelian pies. in return I am giving her a banana bread.
***** “All your insiedes fall to pieces You just sit there wishing you could still make love.” ~ “High And Dry” by Radiohead ***** Would it sound strange to all of you if I said that I left the land I love in August to go to a foregin country? No, it wouldn’t at all! It is exactally what happened. Now how about if I said I am going to leave the land I love to go to a foregin country on June 30th? It is what is going to happen and the only thing I have in my favor is that I know my family there and the language is a lteast somewhat familiar (no, I am not intentionally being facetious I truly feel like I have lost the ability to call English my mothertounge). So what changed?
how is this scary? it is the third time I have packed up and mopved… once to Seinäjoki, once to Ilmajoki, and now once back to Columbus (Up-yours Arlington if you want to get technical). I have this in the bag I don’t need to worry and yet…. and yet… Yes every exchange student here has had the feelings I am feeling rigth now but is this like beofre when I just kept feeling more and more down and just kept telling myself that it was normal? NO I will not let that happen. I am bearing myself before you, my captive audience and I am telling you, I am not ready to come home.
I AM NOT READY TO COME HOME! I AM NOT READY TO COME HOME! I have made it clear to all of you but not I have to make it clear to myself. I am have admaitted that and I feel better. It is even more comforting to know that someone, sometime is going to read this. I am not ready to come home but I have to deal with it.
Home is where the heart is but it is impossible to live with a heart in three places speprated no just by distances but by languages, blood, attitudes, and atmosphere. I am coming home. I am leaving home. I have left home. 
