  Ya know, when I moved up here to Toledo, I knew that it would be cold. I even knew that it would be really cold. Hell, I even knew that it would get really cold sooner then I am used to. What I did not anticipate is having to chip the ice off my nut sack in earlyNovember. The cold here came on so fast that I think my nuts shot so far up into my body that they bounced of my rib cage. Now anyone with nuts knows that feeling you get when they start to get cold and try to climb up to your neck to stay warm. It is like the little bastards have a life of their own when the weather gets bad. One day, when it is not quite so cold, they are just hanging around like they don’t have a problemin the world, then when a stiff breeze comes by they go running for warming places like a flock of migrating birds. After a while, that gets really stinking annoying. However, that has not been my problem lately. When the weather changes to cold here, the weather forecasters talk about something called the lake effect. Ya see, when you have a large body of fucking cold water and the wind blows over it, you then have fucking cold wind. Then said wind blows over everything, including me, and steals any heat from it. Thus my current disagreement with my nuts about how to act in cold weather.
It has been so cold here, that I don’t think I have seen my nuts in a week. The only reason that I still know I have them is that I don’t sound like a 12 year old girl when I talk, plus I can still hear them plotting a way to get into a woman’s pants. Which leads me to my next topic. I recently got hit on. By a woman. That looked like she was hot.
Twenty years ago. Now I know that I look old for my age, but damn! This woman could have been my mother. She had a nice body, a great ass, and gorgeous hair. Then I saw her face. I would bet that in her prime, she was beautiful, but now is not her prime.
Nor was the 1980's. She even went so far as to ask for my home phone number, in the guise of a confused customer needing advice and being overwhelmed by the technology that she had just bought. Granted, I did go out of my way to save her $100 bucks, but that is really just my job and the way that I work. Instead of a $100 program, she bought a $340 DVD Burner. (Damn, am I a kick ass sales guy or what?
) She asked what time I left work, then appeared sad that she would not get home in time to try it out and still talk to me if she had any problems. Well apparently she made it home in record time, tried it out, then called me to tell methat everything worked and that I am a genius. After talking to her for about 20 minutes, she proclaimed that she loved me and that I was wonderful.
She also said she would call me again today. Well she didn’t, and I am almost disappointed. I figure that at 45 or so she would be rather well learned in the ways of nookie. If she had any kids, one may be a daughter, and that daughter may be hot, and also may be legal. Worst case, I would at least have a Sugar Mama. Now I can hear you thinking how horrible I am to think that, but look at it this way. If you were approached by a rather attractive person that was almost twice your age, flirted with, and by the looks of them were rather wealthy, would you really not at least think about going for it?
Damn skippy, you would. The longer I live in the city, the more I hate it. There are more crazy, ignorant, and stupid people here then I could have ever believed possible. I can walk outside to get the damn mail without seeing either a crack head, a moron, a crook, or at least the psycho neighbors with the statue of the Virgin Mary right next to the Witches Balls.
Oh yeah, and the red light that shines on the garage door painted three different colors of neon. With the retard grandson that lives with them and stares through the bathroom window when my cousin/room mate/landlord is trying to get dressed. The other day I was parking in a Kroger’s lot to get some groceries and I saw a large black man walking through the lot waving a gun around. After deciding that he was either too cracked up or two nuts to really be much of a threat to a fat white guy like myself, I walked into the store and told the woman at customer service what was going on. She just sighed and said “Again?” like it was something that happened every 3rd Sunday or something.
I was shocked. I got my groceries and I left. Another thing that I have learned about city people is the complete lack of understanding about how things really work. I am not just talking about cars or computers, I am talking about life in general. Below I will list some things that apparently city people have not figured out yet: 1. Sex makes babies. I see so many women walking around with a litter of screaming kids that I want to go on a killing spree. First of all, I have two words for these people. STOP FUCKING!!!! Second of all, if you can’t afford the 37 kids you already have, what in the fuck makes you think that you can afford the 13 more that you want!
Hey, save some of that welfare money for the people that really need it. 2. In the old days, if you wanted to eat something, you had to KILL IT FIRST. I hear so many people here bitching about meat that is not perfectly red or too high in fat content that I want to beat the shit out of them. Think about it people! Hamburger comes from a cow, not the fucking Piggly Wiggly, and yes CHICKEN IS MEAT TOO. If I hear one more scrawny ass, heroin addict looking bitch tell me that meat is bad, I’m gonna scream.
Meat, and I am not just talking about the cow variety, is meant to be eaten. If the Gods did not mean for us to eat meat, they wouldn’t have given us those sharp, pointy teeth to tear it with, and they would have made it taste like a four day old pile of shit. 3. Put a city person in the middle of Nowhere, and they would be totally screwed. I once asked about a cell phone plan and what the service area was. I, in return, got a funny look and was told that it should work in most buildings. Stupid bitch.
I wonder if it ever occurred to her that there was a world outside of the overly sanitized, carbon monoxide filled, shithole called Toledo? If the bitch were lost and could not call somewhere for directions, she would wonder around until she ended up worm food. And the world would be a better place. 4. If you stack people on top of people on top of people, things are gonna start to get strange.
Ever smell the mixture of Chinese, Hindu, and American food mixing? It smells like the ass end of a pissed offskunk. Another thing about the point above, most of them have never even seen a skunk, just a picture of one when they were flipping through the channels because the Discovery Channel is right between MTV and the Fashion Network. Anyway, I have noticed that the people that live in apartment buildings all their life tend to have a different view of the world. Not that I blame them, if I was living only ten feet under another person’s ass, I would have a different view as well.
5. When the day comes that society breaks down, all the city people will be fucked. There are three possible things that could happen to a city person when that happens. One, they will end up getting shot and eaten by a roving gang of thugs then the thugs will die because they don’t know that you need to clean and dress a kill before cooking it. (And for all you city people reading this, dressing does not mean wearing an Armani tux or a Versace skirt) Two, they will just die a quivering mass of terrified flesh because they can’t call up their therapist on their cell phone.
Three, they will try to move out to thecountry and will be taken prisoner by a group of Rednecks and told to squeal like a pig. Now the country people understand that when you shoot an animal, not only do you have to remove all the internal organs, you have to either bury any meat that you don’t use, or smoke it until it is dry and will last a lot longer before going bad and turning your digestive tract into nothing but a vomit producing mass of tissue.
Also, they will not know that if a bird won’t eat a berry off a bush, you shouldn’t either. I figure that when that happens, the first thing I am going to do is steal a fast car with a full tank of gas, pick up some of the people that I give a shit about up here (all 3 of them) and head for my parents place. If any man could survive the downfall of the government and the complete breakdown of society, it would be my dad.
I have images of him dropping of out trees on his prey, wearing nothing but a loin cloth and holding a stone knife in his teeth. Also, he has a small arsenal of weapons stockpiled there. Sure, none of it is more powerful then a standard hunting shotgun, but when hunting squirrel or rabbit, you don’t need an AK-47. You want to kill the thing, not turn it into a fine red mist. Also, living in a house made of brick would be useful as well. That way of one of those groups of Rednecks that took you as their bitch come knocking, we don’t have to worry about them shooting holes in the house. It would take a small army of people to take that house. Or one tank, but lets not think of that should we? I can name all the people that would survive with out cell phones, hot running water, indoor plumbing, Wal-Mart, and feminine hygiene products on one hand.
All the rest of the city people will either end up starving, poisoning themselves by not knowing that you can’t cook something that is grey before you cook it and still live, or attacking the cute, furry woodland creature that happens to be a badger with nothing more then a pocket knife and getting your arm chewed off. Trust me, those little bastards are mean. The best thing about the fall of society, is that the majority of the people that would die are the ones that humanity would do well to get rid of anyway. It’s all about Darwinism, and Darwinism is a topic for another Soapbox. The strong will survive. The smart will survive. And, most importantly, I will survive. If for no other reason then to keep writing shit like this and annoying the fuck out of people like you. Have a good night. 
