  Why is it that one day you think you are the most important person in the world, and suddenly something or somebody comes and squashes you like the hiddeous bug that you are? Saturday Morning, attending my choir sessions. I go in as the Latino Sarah Brightman, thinking that i have it all, that i am the envy of all the other girls in the room because my voice is so damn good, thinking that i rule my existence for once., and what happens?, Jenny is what happens,. oh her little angelical blond hair, her lovely petite complexion, and her gorgeous 2004 european style vehicle., honestly she sings like shit, but everybody in the choir likes her, why?, oh i will tell you, because she's pretty and sweet and femenine and innocent, and his dad has like tons of cash.
Just tell me, did i miss something?, why is it that money and looks matter so much?. Why cant somebody be treated by the way they are, or the witts they have?, or the talents they posess?, this is not something unusual in my life., this is my daily struggle., this is not a lovely thing for you to happen., its what i have to live each and everyday. Now im no supermodel, i know my looks are not that good, im chubby, im latin, and sometimes im a bit annoying, but im not shamu, i dont have 3 legs or i dont know, whatever the hell bothers people who tend to prejudge others.,why the hell does it matter so much how i dress, if i have a new hip hairstyle, or if i starve myself to death just to look the way britney "airhead"spears looks like. I'm a sensitive person, it affects me everytime people dont give me credit because of the way i look.
I have struggled since my teenage years to do what i wanted to do, to feel good with myself., but honestly, it seemed utopic., always begging for people to accept me the way i was. I used to say, is it me?, or this stupid prep school im in. My parents didnt care to listen that i was having purgatory at school hours, that every recess was hell, and that my class mates where infernal spawns. Then it came to be, that some of my so called friends listened to me (singing obviously) and voila, i became a minor celebrity, used only in contests as a puppet for them to win trophies., once the contest was off., so was my peaceful coexistence in school., it was back again to the spitting, name calling, backstabbing days . It is obvious to say that i hated myself more than they hated me. How couldnt i?, everyone was making fun of me, even at my place, where my brothers called me names too., so why not make fun of me as well.
So, entering high school i became, the "funny-chubby" girl. I had everyone always enjoying a good laugh, but honestly i couldnt say if they were laughing with me or laughing at me. Now, one day i realized i was getting better at singing, and with that i realized i COULD have friends, people who i could be with, people that admired me and liked me for what i was, not how much my daddy gave me, or which car did i have.
Honestly, my happiness didnt last much, it took me 7 years but i realized my confindent and supporting friends were backstabbing bitches as well., so, off you go, through the road, alone again. In that time, i managed to find me a guy who loved me for what i was, but i hated myself so much that i blew it all up.
I was always putting him down, not giving him credit for the things he did, taking him for granted., i did exactly what everybody had done with me. Now how did i became the monster i was running from?. It was only matter of time that i became this icy person that nobody loved, that nobody seemed to care about. Time passed by, and i suddenly was a young professionist trying to earn myself a living, but all the good oportunities where given to the pretty executive looking girls (who by the way were total bimbos) and they are now earning almost thrice as much as i make, why?, because of those delicate long legs that men drool about.
IM PREPARED, IM CAPABLE, IM SMART, BUT ITS BETTER TO HAVE LOOKS THAN WITTS AINT IT? On my next phase i resented God, i started to blame him for all that i had suffered, who else could be responsible for all my years of misery but him. It took me a while but i could finally see that, he wasnt the one who did this to me, I WAS!. So i tried to give the first steps in loving myself: diets, exercise, shrinks., nothing worked. I think maybe i wasnt giving 100% on improving the new me., but maybe it wasnt so easy after all. Im still suffering lots of the things that happened to me in the past, i hate every pretty girl i meet, why?, because they have something i dont, they can take away everything i wish for, with just one little blink of her lovely eyes.
Unfair aint it, to be left aside for someone prettier. But now i think this way, i must have something she doesnt, or maybe she will suffer things i wont even know they exist. But its hard trying to imagine them on difficult situations when they get everything so easily. "I think im a bit better than yeasterday", thats what i tell myself everyday when i wake up in the morning , and i try not to think to much in all the things i could have done as a teen, or the things im missing right now as a young adult, i just try to take one step at a time., and i tell myself "every day that passes by is one day less in hell" . I just hope maybe one day missery will stop, i just hope its not when i die. 
