  Sex,  Drugs & amp;  Shopping Therapy & nbsp;  Listening to:
 Tommy Guerrero,  yeah!  & nbsp;  There's a cute Filipino boy who works at Kinko's,  but I have a feeling I'm&
nbsp; too old for him. nbsp;  Watch him be like 19 or& nbsp; 20 or&
nbsp; something. nbsp;  I see him whenever I go& nbsp; to Kinko's in Colma.
nbsp;  Holla!  & nbsp;  ( Yeah,
 right.  & nbsp;  Anyhoo. nbsp;  I had this revelation about "
star- fuckers. nbsp;  Having worked film festivals the past 5 years,  I encounter a lot of people who hope to meet actors and directors- star-
fuckers. nbsp;  But me? nbsp;  I've never been starstruck. nbsp;
 Not when I met Qbert,  not when I met Wayne Wang,  not when I met Sandra Oh. nbsp;  However,  I recently had a little dose of it.
nbsp;  I helped out with the Frameline Film Festival last month ( the SF Int'l Gay & amp;  Lesbian Film Fest)  and the Opening Night film was Touch of Pink.
nbsp;  I was working the press line and had to be one girl in a human blockade to prevent starfuckers from trying to ask autographs from Jimmy Mistri and Kyle McLachlan. nbsp;  When Kyle McLachlan stepped out of the limo I was like,  " Wow,
 he's really tall. nbsp;  He's really handsome. nbsp;  I thought he looked so regal. nbsp;
 I was starstruck for about 15 minutes. nbsp;  And then this weekend Mel and I took my cousins to Amoeba in Berkeley and once I walked in I saw Lyrics Born at the cashier,  paying for some CDs. nbsp;  I walked up to him and said,
 " Hi,  Tom. nbsp;  Not that I expected him to remember that I used to intern at Quannum in 1998,  or this exchange we had about me jocking his "
Palm P.  But.  & nbsp;  I forget what my point is. nbsp;
 Let's move on.  & nbsp;  I& nbsp; have been watching lots of movies this&
nbsp; week ( it's only Thursday)  going after work ( because I get off early enough to catch matinees) nbsp;
 So far this week I've seen Anchorman,  Saved!  and today I saw Before Sunset. nbsp;  I& nbsp;
realized that my whole movie kick is because I'm feeling down.  & nbsp;  I dunno. nbsp;  I've been super-
tired since& nbsp; this week started. nbsp;  Like all the hectic Hyphen stuff is over,  my dad arrived in Japan on Sunday night-
there's nothing more for me to really focus& nbsp; all my energy on anymore,  for me to avoid feeling sad again about my mom. nbsp;  I know I'm depressed when I eat shitty foods and all I want to do is sleep (
or my sleeping habits& nbsp; change- I've been falling asleep at 10: 30 PM the past few nights, nbsp;
and waking up at 2 or 3 AM,  then going back to sleep til abouta 7 AM)  or shop.  & nbsp;  Anyhow.
nbsp;  It'll surpass,  I know. nbsp;  Just takes time.  &
nbsp;  I feel& nbsp; a strange tickle in my throat,  indicating the onset of a cold. nbsp;
 You know that feeling,  when it hurts to swallow? nbsp;  Sometimes I think thats worse than actually having a cold.  & nbsp;
 Anyhow. nbsp;  Some retard tried to talk to me at the Barnes & amp;  Noble in Colma yesterday. nbsp;
 I was walking around the magazine section,  trying to find Fast Company,  and lo and behold an IT- looking white guy ( you know what Im talking about)  locks me on his Pinay Radar.
nbsp;  Why does it always have to be skanky,  greasy- haired,  IT- looking white guys who like Filipinas?
nbsp;  WHY?  & nbsp;  Acting cool and oblivious,  I took my stack of magazines and sat down in Starbucks with an iced soy mocha.
nbsp;  The guy sat down at an empty table across from me and struck up a conversation. nbsp;  The guy mentioned something about how hes totally into CHRIS ISAAK. nbsp;  How he used to be an avid watcher of The Chris Isaak Show on HBO,
 how Chris Isaak is considered geeky because hes misunderstood and people only remember that video he did with Helena Christensen. nbsp;  I wasnt sure if I was being testedwas this guy being for real? nbsp;  & nbsp;
 I didnt want to find out. nbsp;  I was like,  Peace out,  dude. nbsp;
 I was outta there with the quickness.  & nbsp;  HOW is it that the guys who try to talk to me are always dorky,  desperate,  socially inept white IT-
looking guys? nbsp;  Oh,  and lets not forget homelesshomeless men love harassing me. nbsp;  One time on Haight Street,
 I walked by this homeless guy who was like,  Come on baby,  Ill show you a good time. nbsp;  He made these air- humping gestures,
 flicking his tongue out in that lascivious ( I wanna eat you out)  sort of way,  chanting,  Pussy! nbsp;
 Pussy! nbsp;  Ugh.  & nbsp;  So back to my pining:
 Why cant the guys I find attractive be attracted to me? nbsp;  Why cant I get chatted up by guys who have all their teeth,  who dont look like greasy IT guys with Filipina fetishes,  or guys who look like a crackhead/ pimp character from a Dave Chapelle skit?
nbsp;  Why are the guys I like not interested in me,  only want to be my friend,  already attached,  or gay? nbsp;
 Ive been asking myself these questions for 25 years now.  & nbsp;  About nine months ago I was talking to this guy from Virginia who I met really randomly ( translation:  online/
Friendster) nbsp;  He was totally different than mehe listened to mainstream alternative ( think Hoobastank and Incubus)  and worked for some tech company based in SF that always had him out in the field ( Dallas for two weeks,
 London for one week,  etc.  etc. nbsp;  He was a Good Southern Boy who was in a frat in collegea frat where he had lots of Filipino pledge brothers,  and so he developed a thing for hot,
 petite Pinay girls. nbsp;  He would tell me,  in mangled Tagalog,   Maganda ka / Youre pretty.
 Can you say GROSS!  & nbsp;  Ben ( that was his name)  tried to sway me to be more understanding;
 accused me of being REVERSE RACIST. nbsp;  I was like,  First of all,  you cant talk race or racism with methats what my whole college experience was about. nbsp;
 And second of all,  Im not racist,  Im CAUTIOUS. nbsp;  I mean,  if you were me and some white guy found out what ethnicity you were,
 then reacted like,  Oh my God,  youre Filipina? nbsp;  Filipinas are totally HOT!  wouldnt you be freaked out,
 too? nbsp;  I mean,  could you be more obvious about being excited to dabble in Otherness? nbsp;  I want someone to like me because they like ME and not my Filipino-
ness. nbsp;  ( I should mention that it didnt help when Ben admitted to me,  after I asked him if hed ever dated any Asian/ Filipina girls,
 that he hadnt because theyd all prefer to be his friend. nbsp;  Gee,  I wonder why.  & nbsp;
 Where oh where is a cute,  smart,  ambitious,  hip,  self- deprecating Asian or hapa guy for moi?
nbsp;  Someone who finds my neuroses amusing? nbsp;  Someone who can hold his own when introduced to my crazy family ( that sounds so My Big Fat Greek Wedding ,  I know)
nbsp;  Huh? nbsp;  I want cute little Asian babies,  like the one Angelina Jolie adopted. nbsp;
 Can I specifically ask for Asian sperm if I opt for artificial insemination because nobody likes me? nbsp; nbsp;  & nbsp; nbsp;
nbsp;  Sometimes I fear that Im doomed to be single the rest of my life. nbsp;  ( Thats not necessarily a bad thing,  I knowall my aunties think if I end up single its because Im some career-
minded Type A bitch. nbsp;  For Valentines Day next year,  while all my friends are out on dates,  Im going to have to go to that one gay male strip club my friend told me about where you can grab on The D for $ 30 admission.
nbsp;  I think its called Knob Hill or its in Nob Hill,  or something like that. nbsp;  & nbsp;
 Okay,  Im totally babbling right now. nbsp;  I've been writing so much lately;  I need to stop.  &
nbsp;  Sigh.
