  I want to clear this up for all who read this blog. I, at this point, do not have feelings for her. There was some major confusion a while ago, but that confusion is all gone as all I'm concerned about right now is apologizing to her and trying to make things right. If I feel anything right now, it's shame, guilt, and fear. Shame and guilt over what happened and fear about losing a friend. Last night I went to see my friends' band Apocalipstick practice and have dinner. First of all, that dinner was the third meal I'd had in something like 48 hours, because my self-loathing resulted in a reduction of appetite. Second of all I felt really bad because I was hanging out with all our mutual friends plus one of her best friends. Third, we viewed the Cambridge video again for Julia. That of course made me feel weird, because it was good memories combined with wondering if I pissed her off, upset her, etc. Look if I knew that I pissed of any friend, not just her I'd probably be just as upset. Am I being emo!? Well fuck how would you be feeling if you knew you fucked up big time with a friend. I guess what upsets me most is I have no clue what is going on, on her side of things.
'Cause I have no memory of how she even reacted to my stupidity. Oh and if it's not bad enough... I'll probably be seeing someone for the first time in over a year, in which the last time we really spoke I cussed her out. Nice huh? * 
