  I made the big decision yesterday. After a lot of prayer, thinking, re-thinking, searching the Word, and talking to Scott, I've decided not to go to graduate school this fall. I will re-apply to comp lit programs once Scott and I have gotten married and settled down. This will mean having to change from a Ko lit focus to a Latin American lit focus (with Ko lit as my minor), so that wherever we end up, I'll have more options in terms of schools. The problem with wanting to focus on Ko Lit was that I could literally only apply to 4 schools in the entire nation. For the past couple of weeks, I was seriously considering going to the University of British Columbia in Canada, because it just so happens that their masters portion is terminal, unlike the US PhD programs I had applied to. That would have given me the opportunity to at least get a masters in comp lit with a korean focus, which made the prospect of having to apply later for a PhD with a latin am focus seem much more enticing. The costs involved ultimately made it unfeasible however. As an international student, I was only eligible for a partial tuition scholarship.
Sure, the tuition would've amounted to only a little over a couple thousand dollars with the scholarship, but then there were living costs. And Vancouver's expensive. I still would've incurred at least a $12k debt by the end of 9 months. It also didn't sit right with me that, since I'm going to be a student for awhile, the money to pay off that debt would've been coming solely from Scott's income after we got married. Since I could get a PhD in the US without incurring any debt, following such a "great opportunity" seemed extravagant. On top of that, and more importantly, I would have been too busy, and too far, and too poor, to maintain a healthy relationship with Scott.
I just wrote that sentence very easily, but it took me a couple of weeks to realize this. So this week, I had to turn down offers to two schools. Admittedly, it wasn't the easiest thing to do. Right now I feel incredibly happy though. I almost cried telling Scott my decision, I was so happy. God has done a lot in my heart through all of this. I now have a proper fear and awe of marriage, and the process involved in dying to myself that I might be joined with the man I love. I also realized just how committed I am to Scott, and just how much I really do love him. Grad school, despite my love of studying and teaching literature, is subordinate to my desire to go overseas as a missionary. It has always been, in my mind, a means to an end. I am passionate about both the end as well as the means, but the priority has always been clear.
When Scott entered my life, there was radical paradigm shift, because all of a sudden, I was going to be a missionary regardless of whether or not I went to grad school. I will still go to grad school, I'm sure, but it won't be in the way or in the places I had originally planned. Am I ok with that? Completely. The past three weeks have been about clarifying and solidifying the order of my priorities: God, Scott, me.
Gosh, to write these things now makes it all seem so simple, but what feelings of uncertainty, doubt, fear, and insecurity had been flooding my heart these past few weeks! So what will I be doing this fall? Studying my butt off in Spanish, taking classes at a community college, working part-time, concentrating on growing with Scott, and planning for the wedding. Geez, and we're not even officially engaged. :) But I'm already married to him in my heart. 
