  ahh...what a weekend! Hubby actually asked me out for a date on Friday...so after a mad rush (he asked on Wednesday night) to find a babysitter, we were able to go out! We decided to go walk around the Celery Flats and then out for dessert. We bit the bullet and talked alot about the letter...I was able to explain alot and he told me how he could tell that my stress level had changed significantly from the time I put the pieces together. I just talked about how I could finally understand where my parents came from...and that it isn't that they don't love me it is just that they are incapable of loving me the way I need to be loved.
How sad...I mean, I could be angry at them, but understanding the difficulty I have gone through, I just feel sad for them. Especially to know that I will never have the relationship with them that I want because they cannot handle it. It leaves a hole in my heart too but I think it would be worse to be them. To have a child and yet not be able to have closeness with that child. It just makes me determined not to repeat this with b. I also told him about Mr X. He actually laughed...though I don't think it was a haha laugh...I think it was more...I can't believe this shit isn't over...which is pretty much what he said. He also gave me a compliment--which I don't really think he meant as one, but I took it as one:) He said "At least you're honest, you have always been that too a fault. " Exactly! I have always wanted to stay honest, even when it hurts, I hate fake people!! Yet, I digress...he said he doesn't know what he thinks right now, except that he wishes I would cut it out. He wanted to know every gory detail...which, of course, hurt. I mean...I had to tell him that I had seriously considered walking away from our family....he asked if I was going to go to him, and I told him I had considered it.
But when it was there, I knew there was no way I wanted to be without hubby...I sat back and pictured my life without him and it made me cry...I want to be with hubby for the rest of my life.
I tried to tell him that but I think he thought it was bunk to smooth things over. I told him that he was like my parents, emotionally and physically unavailable and Mr X was really the only person that met those two needs. I told him about having to find some closure and remembering why it is I walked away. I don't want Mr X...I don't think I did in the first place, I think I wanted the things Mr X gave me... It was exactly this reason why I never saw Mr X...I knew when I had to have this conversation with hubby, that if I had to tell him I SAW Mr X it would be over. I knew that if I disrespected our marriage to that degree I was saying that I didn't want "us"...whew! Thank goodness some of my reasoning skills still are intact! Anyway...he has been very distant from me since this conversation, which is understandable.
But I get so tired of not being able to TALK things through... Case in point...I go home for our Monday lunch...am greeted by a HUGE box that he has piled with my papers...Now, this is the guy that has boxes of junk in the attic, basement, etc that I have BEGGED him to go through, and all of a sudden he has time to pile MY junk into a box!!! Half of it was HIS!!! Can you tell I'm mad?!!! I about blew a gasket...okay, I actually did. This whole weekend I watched and took care of B while he putzed around...I actually think he realizes and feels guilty about this because he has basically been avoiding me...which is what he does when he feels guilty. Anyway...I started screaming about how I couldn't believe he did that. That my few papers on the counter weren't bugging him...to which he said he was trying to cook and they were in his way...some were on top of the microwave (which is all that will fit on it) and then the others were a) on a stool or b) on TOP of the buffet...none of these places could be used to cook...which of course I screamed at him...he actually laughed and then got pissed because he knew I was right!
then he just started pissing and moaning about everything and then I laid into him about how he never even bothered to say thank you that I watched b all freaking weekend long without a break...and made dinner before the party yesterday AND then he didn't wash the dishes so i had to come home to do them!!!
Man, I am getting mad just typing this! I just get SOOO sick of him acting like he is better than I am and that by my few papers around the house, I was being a substandard house-wife...which is totally not true considering I do all of the cleaning WITHOUT his help...and he STILL has not given me the list he was supposed to FOUR MONTHS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!! AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! and if he has so much energy to pick up my fucking papers, maybe he should pick up his own...and tell me thank you once in a while, and call me when he is supposed to, and get up on Friday mornings! The fact is, lately, he has gotten to the same mother-fucking point as before in which I am the one that does EVERY SINGLE FUCKING piece of relationship work and he doesn't do SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!
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