  Hmmm...I have been pretty hormonal this past few days...mind you, I did actually start a cycle on the 26th but I don't think all of my emotional turmoil can be chalked up to that... I will admit it...I think I am more upset and pissed by my inlaws than I am trying to pass off. Why won't I just admit this? Because if I do, hubby will ask me what I want him to do about it...which makes me feel, if there is nothing to do about it, what is the point in being upset? Which I agree with but I don't...am I making any sense??? Yeah, I didn't think so. Okay...so, what I'm upset about...WHY do they treat me like crap?
I mean, I know I'm not blood but I am still technically "family"...I am married to their son and mother of their grandson...I just don't get it. Is it me? Is it because they are just rude and ignorant? I think if I knew the WHY of it all it would be easier for me to deal with...would it make it any less hurtful? No...but I would be able to say, okay, they are doing this because they are XXXX. But I don't have that...right now, all it feels like is that they mercilessly poke and prode to see how far they can push me. And what do I do? They are FAMILY...I can't cut them out of my life...they are too important to my hubby and to my son.
Say something? I've already tried that route...that ended up with everyone pointing their fingers at me...everytime they do or say something, it takes me a little longer to get over it. I hate this feeling... Then the baby thing...I want one. I am once again at the place where I am contemplating clomid. Ugh...I make a decision I think I am at peace with and then I step back to re-make the decision. Hubby says he doesn't think he is ready to try it...well, that makes me mad too. He would not have to DO anything...except things he already does.
I also want to ask him to go get tested. Part of me feels like I wouldn't obsess about this if I knew he was partly to blame too...part of me also feels like if he did have some issues, he could make some easy adjustments to increase our chances. Ultimately, though...I KNOW that if it was meant to be, it will happen. I won't HAVE to do anything else...if it was meant to be...so, I think I am ultimately struggling with the WHY isn't it meant to be...
I think if I was not so nosey about life in general...I would not have any of these questions and the voices in my head would not be leading me to a migraine... 
