  whoa...didn't realize it had been so long! still no Mr X...but now my stubborn side has kicked in and I am determined not to call again...bummer...not that I am still all "what if" about him...but sometimes it is nice to know you still appeal to other people, you know?
Especially when your hubby sucks at the affirmation part of life. He is awesome with Brennan...he always affirms him... however, he seems to forget about me. Now, understand, I don't ask for a lot...I have never been one to demand my guy to give me presents, have a fortune, extravagant anything...and, why??? Because I have always KNOWN that I am high maintenance as far as the affirmation stands. I seriously go nuts if I don't get it. I know that I am like a good 30lbs heavier...but I don't think I have completely gone to the dogs.
I have really been trying to keep better care of myself. I had kinda forgotten (not really) about that...I think I was depressed and let myself go a little too far. So, I have been trying to get back on track. But I have realized a few things...1) if the person you knock yourself out for doesn't notice, what's the point? 2) because you knock yourself out and that person doesn't notice, it becomes more depressing and food looks more appealing. which brings me to my other revelation...i'm an addict...not sure where it comes from, but I definitely am an addict...i am addicted to food and other things, but right now lets just talk about food. i gorge myself all the time. It is a serious struggle not to, which i don't know why i try to stop myself, because when i finally give in, an hour, a day, a week later it is a thousand times worse than if I just gave in originally. i don't really think about anything while i do it...but i feel like shit afterwords. i think i do it to deal with stress and to continue feeling like shit...if i didn't hate myself, where would i be? it's kind of scary...like, everything else has miraculously come to some sort of order, but if i let go of this last demented thing, what will happen?
it's hard to explain...i don't think i even really understand it...i have such a distorted view of myself, the opinion changes constantly... the thing that is humorous to me is that i used to be the opposite, i used to starve myself out of disgust...what the hell???
how on earth did i do that??? so i basically have only a few "hopes" as far as the weight loss goes...a) spastic colon kicks back into high gear...actually i need to go on a low fat diet to help that out...hmmm b) i learn how to vomit more effectively...okay, i know that is disgusting. however, it helped me get through some stressful times...i don't know why, and it grosses me out and my hubby (who unfortunately walked in on me doing it). I was just aching so badly that wretching over the toilet took my mind off it. ughh...now you know why i gross myself out. whenever my mom talks about how she doesn't "get" why we do this to ourselves and how i "got over it" i just cringe...i really thought I was beyond it...i still do, that part of me does not reign, however, isn't bingeing just as bad??? i do choose to be happy but it doesn't mean i know how to cope any better. so i still have my dark moments. 
