  man,  I hate Monday mornings. I don't know why because there is no one here to bug me. I think it is just the thought that,  had it still been the weekend,  I would not be here.
but since it is Monday morning,  I am sitting at my desk procrastinating at 7am!  Well,  our weekend was good. the Greek Festival on Friday and T& J on Saturday.
 I forget how much I miss T until I spend time with her. she has got to be the one girl that I could guarantee I will always be friends with.  She knows me so well and she is not into the petty/ catty bs other girlfriends are into. needless to say,  I hated it when they had to leave.
 And K is such a little gem!  She was cracking me up even though she barely said anything!  She is a strange mixture of complete girly and tomboy. it is funny to watch. Sunday we went to see grandma.  Well,
 I hate to say it but she drives me nutso sometimes.  I know it is terrible. I know. but she lays on these massive guilt trips.  I just want to scream,  do you understand I work?
 It is major frustration and add to that the fact she is losing her mind and she was telling these crazy stories about B and others about my dad.  I feel bad but I just didn't have patience for it yesterday. before everyone here slays me,  I am consciously going to try to see her more often and I do love her very much.  On a more not upbeat note. I have had two very deep conversations with both of my younger sisters.
 The first was on Thursday night. B and I went to my parents to drop off some baby paraphenalia for my older sis.  They were going to see her NY and I wanted to send some bigger stuff with them so I wouldn't have to ship it.  Well,  L and I got talking. her opening line?
 Have you ever tried ecstacy?  After I lifted my jaw off the table,  I said,  no. the one thing I have never tried would be drugs.  Well,
 this loser of a guy she is " dating"  ( mind you,  she says HE told her they were dating)  wants to give her some for her birthday.
 Supposedly,  she told him no but he is insisting.  She said she doesn't know what to do because she doesn't want him to get mad because he spent so much money on it.  EXCUSE ME?  So,  I just busted out the,
 have you had sex before?  To which she said,  yes. are you currently?  No. I couldn't get too much out of her.
no condom,  no birth control. but I couldn't get much else out,  she said it really wasn't her choice that they didn't use a condom. again,  what?
 I asked her if she was telling me she was raped. she said no. were you conscious?  Yes. were you trashed?  I don't remember what she said.
she said it was a one time deal and she has been beating herself up about it.  Lordy. there was so much I needed to say to this girl. considering my parents were lurking,  I knew my time was limited. so I started.
you need to wear a condom,  not only will it protect you from pregnancy but it will also protect you from most other std's that you SURELY do not want,  not excluding AIDs. drugs,  I understand people do them,  I understand people think they are okay.
knowing MANY people who have done a variety of things,  I don't buy it. God only gives you so many brain cells and why waste them. not to mention,  you don't know who got what where and what they put into it. unless you are growing it yourself,
 it isn't 100%  assured it is what you think it is. not that I am advocating growth,  because that will get you locked up. as for beating yourself up,  if you think you made a mistake,
 step back,  analyze what happened and why you did it,  and learn from it. life is too short to live with regrets and all we can do is live life the best way we can.  Well. obviously,
 she is beating herself up because of what my parents would think.  I told her,  there has to come a point in your life where you look at what mom and dad taught us and accept and reject the principles to adapt your own. you cannot live your entire life for mom and dad because,  no matter what,  they will find something that could be better.
 She completely agreed but said that it was a lot easier coming from me considering I never cared what they thought of me. I kind of laughed and said,  well I don't now but I did. in high school I drove myself nuts trying to please them but I was coming behind the girl they deem " perfect"  so,
 like I said,  nothing was going to make them happy. when I graduated high school,  I gave them the proverbial finger and went about my own business.  It wasn't until I was out on my own in Chicago that I completely made all of my decisions.  On top of that,
 I basically showed through my actions that if mom wanted to lay guilt trips,  I would have nothing to do with her.  I think she finally got the picture that I was never going to be her idea of what I should be and gave up. to move on to the next sister,  I'm sure.  I also told L that I would be lying if I said I still don't get hurt by it.
I told her,  it is hard to listen to everyone else's shining moments and then,  here's B.  I don't even get introduced,  B does.  It is like I don't exist except to be B's mom.
it hurts because everyone else's parents thought I was the berries. I got good grades,  I kept clean,  for the most part. but my parents thought I was the spawn of Satan.  Then my dad came home with the dinner.
I need to get together with her to finish it up.  Then,  Friday,  I went out to lunch with Lis.  She started talking about L and how she thought this supposed boyfriend of hers was a real something or other. I don't remember what she called him but it cracked me up.
 I guess L went to see him ALL day and used some phony friend as an alibi. I mean,  the friend does exist but she hasn't seen her for YEARS.  Well,  Lis started talking about all of her issues. I guess I got this look on my face and she asked me what I was thinking.
 I just told her I was so worried about her and L.  I told her I didn't understand where they were coming from because I never cared what my friends were doing,  I just didn't feel the need to do something I didn't want to do to fit in.  I have never completely fit in anywhere so I got used to it very early and just decided what I wanted to do and what I didn't want to do. well,  I basically busted out,
 are you still smoking pot?  No. I don't think I asked the sex question. unusual,  I know but I didn't.  I told her,
 just as I told L,  I am NOT judging you. it is your life and you have to make your own decisions and your own mistakes. I just wish that my mistakes could have been lessons for you guys so you don't have to go through the same heartache that I did. I am trying to take the same approach with you that I take with B. yes,
 I would prefer you guys didn't do this stuff,  but I would much rather KNOW and be able to be there for you guys then never know and be blindsided by it someday.  She also talked about being on antidepressants. I just hope I got through to one of them. I pray I got through to both. I worry about them so much.
 And I kind of feel like I am the only one that can talk openly to them and yet try to be there. I know they aren't telling J this stuff. she would probably pass out from it all. I know she means well but I also understand when they say they can't talk to her because she doesn't get it.  Her biggest " vice"
 was being taught how to play poker in college!  Sinner!  Anyway. I try not to worry,  try just to be concerned. and I need to make a mental list,
 I need to be there and need to reach out to them more often. I'm very very bad at that but it is not an excuse. I need to let them know I love them and I'm here for them,  no matter what.
