  ahhh...family time.... That should bring a warm fuzzy feeling, right? Not so in the barto home. It only brings anxiety, stress, and upset tummies... My big sis has been in town for a week, so I have been seeing a lot of family. Last night she wanted to cook dinner for everyone. Couldn't think of a good reason to bail. So I went. It was a hideous day at work, which stresses me out to begin with...so I had no tolerance for family issues.
I asked my sis about her birth control because my gyno wanted to put me on high dose to get me to have a period which would hopefully force me to ovulate...my mom started saying "Oh, no...don't do that! " Back off, mom. She has absolutely no tenderness. Thankfully, I was beyond stressed so I just told her calmly why and that I'm not in a back-off-bitch tone. Then, as if I was asking for more abuse, I decided to tell them the great news the dr told me...that with a little pill, he thinks I will be able to get preggo. This pill will make my body ovulate...which is what the dr thinks is my problemo. I don't really know why I thought that my family could be happy about that. Because I'm a fucking moron. I should know that my parents are so self-absorbed that they don't give a shit. A response of, "yeah, but doesn't that make you OVER ovulate...releasing more than one egg??? " As if this was some mortal sin. Yes, if I take it, we have to also realize the risk of multiple births. But since I am not the perfect woman that you obviously were, my body won't get pregnant without help. And since we don't believe in more invasive forms of help, this is our last chance. And that comment was absolutely it...oh, wait, my older sister said she would be jealous if we had twins...so i have a mother who thinks i am interfering in something i shouldn't and a sister whose reaction will be jealousy.
Wonderful...just another fucked up day in the world of barto's... Had to get out of there...ate too much dessert, trying to round up b so we had to take a potty break, because we are training (YEAH!). Went into the upstairs bathroom...b put up the lid and said "poopy"...I quickly shut it again and tried not to hurl. told b that we needed to go to a different bathroom because this was broke. tried not to make a big deal out of it, but told lil sis she needed to take care of her mess and went downstairs.
it wasn't "poopy" it was vomit...just like what we found in the hotel at the island...just like i'm sure was in the toilet of bennigan's the night before...i hurt. i know you read this, and i don't really know what to say to you that i haven't already said. i fight the impulse to tell mom and dad...the only reason i don't is because i can't believe they don't already know. and i'm not convinced they have coping skills...they didn't when i went through my dark time, and i haven't seen a whole lot of change. i don't want to make things worse...but i don't want you to think i am naive or turning a blind eye.
you need help...you need help...you need help. i don't know who from, i don't know what will make it click for you. but get it...embrace it...apply it...choose to use it. this is not healthy, it's scary. if i knew of someone to "tattle" to, trust me, i would be on that phone. but i don't...i don't even know the goddamn name of your counselor. you have to work through this and get beyond it.
if nothing else, choose to stop doing it. it's hard, i know...it hasn't been until the last six months that i have been able to throw open the closet doors to empty out the skeletons that haunted me. trust me, i still have dark times...still have self doubt, self-inflicting pain--convincing myself i don't deserve things, but it is a choice...it is a choice to entertain these thoughts, it was a choice to stop eating, it was a choice to have a psychotic boyfriend...you are choosing to vomit...to take diet pills...etc.
it must take an extreme amount of energy to continue this. apply that energy into happiness. I have told you before, only you can choose to be happy...it isn't an event, it isn't something that hits you, it isn't based on life circumstances...it is the way you choose to view things. it is hard at first, but it gets easier. trust me, it is worth it. it takes too much out of me to be depressed about the little things...and i was someone that loved to be depressed...i loved to complain...i loved the drama.
but being happy is so much more. you have a wonderful life in front of you...think of all the time you have already wasted by making your focus this. i hope that you tap into the strength i know you have to turn away from this. i hope that you decide to wake up and grab life by the hand and take it for all it's worth...and it is worth much more than hunching over a toilet for the rest of your life. i love you more than you will ever know and i want nothing but peace, love, and joy for you. 
