  Wow...where to begin...so, my so called friend, the on again, off again...emailed me "just in case I didn't know yet" that mr x got married.
The thing that makes me laugh the most is that she truly expects me to have an emotional breakdown in front of her...this is the same girl, upon arriving home from the hospital after having b, had left a message for hubby "in case I hadn't let him know yet" and that I was in the hospital in labor.
Did she truly think I would tell her before I told him?! Anyway, she would be the last person I would share my emotions with...unless it was a well thought out manipulation to spread the word around kzoo and surrounding areas... I sound a little bitter, eh? well, the other friend from work is pissed at me... why? because I asked to change the dates of a camping trip...my bf's daughter's one year birthday party was scheduled for that day...well, now she is mad...can we say jr high?
I might even give her high school... this is the same girl that ditched us when we made plans to go to the bar, at the last minute, and never let me know. this is the same girl that was mad at me when I told her I was diagnosed with PCOS (see a few entries previous)...why do I continue to make friendships with girls?
This is just not a good time for me...my bf and I haven't talked in well over a month...the other bf blew me off and has yet to call me back...I get so sick of this and I feel like this is the last type of stress I need right now. I have been in so much pain lately...when I wake up...pain...when I go to bed pain...and most of the time, pain all between. I have been trying to keep such a positive outlook on this, but I really don't know how much longer I can pretend it isn't there. There are days I think I am going to fall flat on my face because my legs are so numb with pain...but I feel like I don't have a choice in my schedule.
I feel the worst for b. He asked me the other day why I don't play with him...that breaks my heart. I really need to focus on continuing to be a mom...i am so completely exhausted when I get home from work, but I should keep pushing, it isn't fair to him. I try so hard to walk normally and pretend everything is okay...it is worse to try to explain to people what is going on.
I finally had a breakdown last week. I think it was Thursday...my blood results came back and the dr wasn't there to talk to...the nurse couldn't tell me what they meant...I was exhausted, I was in pain, my friend had just gotten pissy with me...i just couldn't take it. So, my other friend called for something and i didn't have it...and I just broke down. How embarassing!
I am still trying to pull myself out of the funk. It is so hard to allow myself to talk to someone about what is going on...I feel like they will think I am whining. I am just at a loss as to what to do...my mom suggested walking on the treadmill. I tried to explain how much I hurt, "oh, my legs hurt too, but walking helps"...okay...that sounds like you have muscle pain...not the same thing, but of course, she is convinced it is exactly like her, because everything I do is exactly like her...frustration.
I can't admit I need help, but I can't continue to do everything myself either. I just feel like crawling into a hole and hiding out for a long time... 
