  okay...I'm back... I call sil back. Hubby and i both agree, there is a possibility that mil never made this comment. Let's give sil one more chance to back away from what she told me before I call mil. Nope, she said she understood why we wanted to talk to her and it was okay with her. I apologized if this would get her in trouble but M NEVER changed what the comment was or put a new spin on it.
so, I prepare to make the call... my fil answers the phone...I small talk with him for no more than five minutes and ask for mom. She gets on the phone and I ask her if she has a few minutes. She says sure. I say "I'm calling because we were informed of a comment you made. We were told you are telling people the reason you buy us gifts is because we cannot afford them. " MIL"I don't know what you are talking about.
" Okay, so my tactic of being elusive is not going to work. I did not want to come right out and say who said what but it was appearing as though I had no choice. "Mom, I was told that you are telling people the reason you and dad bought us the crib was because we couldn't afford to buy it. " "I don't think I said that. " "So, you don't think you told people you bought us the crib because we couldn't afford it? " "I don't think I said it like THAT.
" "How might it have been said then? " LOOOOONG PAUSE "Mom? What do you think was said then? " "Did Gary tell you this? " "No, Gary did not tell us this..." "It must have been Jason then" "Mom, it doesn't matter who told us..." "Even if I did say it like that, what does it matter? That was four years ago.
" "Mom, do you understand why we would be hurt by a comment like this? " LOOONG PAUSE "Mom, do you understand that it is Scott's privilige and responsibility to take care of this family?...and you are basically telling people that he cannot fulfill this responsibility. " LOOONG PAUSE "I think this is being blown out of proportion. " "So, you are saying you can't understand why we might be upset about this? " nothing...long pause....lasting probably 5minutes...the pause had gotten so long, I turned around to look at the clock and it was an additional 3 minutes... "Mom?
" "What? " "You can't understand why Scott would be upset about this? " Enter sniveling..."so you don't want me to buy brennan anything anymore? " Okay...side note...I am trying to recreate but cannot EXACTLY remember the sequence of everything being said...this is a RECREATION. Please note, already, I have explained to her we appreciate everything she and dad have done for the family. "No, mom, that isn't what I'm saying.
We understand buying things is a normal "grandparent" behavior. But when you tell people you are buying us things because we cannot afford it, that changes the motivation behind giving and, yes, that would change our view. We feel like you are telling people we are taking handouts which is not, nor has it ever been the case. We thought you bought us the crib because you wanted to. And if you felt like you had to, let me reassure you, we did not then and we don't now, need handouts. We are okay...we were okay then, we are okay now, and we will continue being okay.
" "You guys didn't have a lot of money back then...we wanted to buy that for B because he was our first grandson. " "I admit things were tight then, mom, but it never came to a point where we needed to ask anybody to hand us anything. We have always thought the reason you bought us the crib was because you wanted to. " LOOOOOOONG pauses taking place...really, it wasn't very often that she would actually answer my question, she usually made me repeat the question before she would acknowledge it.... "I don't understand what the big deal is...I don't thin this is coming from Scott. " "Mom, do you think I am blowing this out of proportion? " "I didn't raise my son to think like this.
" "Mom, do you think I am making this up? The reason I am calling is because Scott is very busy at work. If you think that he doesn't feel this way as well, please feel free to call him. Tonight is probably not a good time but I am sure he is more than willing to discuss this with you. " "I did not raise my son to think of his mother like this. " "Mom, this does not change our opinion of you.
We still love you. Scott and I had a long conversation before I called you. Let me assure you, we are a unit, we both feel the same way. " "This is just being blown way out of proportion. " "I don't know how to explain it to you any differently. Maybe ask dad how he would feel.
You have to understand that a man's pride is wrapped up in how well he provides for his family. I think we can all agree, Scott does a wonderful job doing this and busts his ass to do so. " okay...I had made this comment previously...I also made mention of the fact that both he and I had made a lot of sacrifices to be where we are at...and it was hurtful for someone to belittle that by making such a comment. I also, at some point, mentioned that just because they handle their finances differently than we handle ours does not make their way right and our way wrong. It makes their way right for their family and our way right for ours. "We HAD to accept things from dad's parents.
We were broke and there were many times they gave us money or groceries to help us survive. There is nothing wrong with that! We were very thankful for that and knew we wouldn't have gotten by without them! There were a lot of times they would hand us a $100 bill so we could buy food or gifts for Christmas. " "Okay, you're right, but that is different. There has never been a point where we needed that.
" "this is being blown out of proportion. " "Again, mom. Are you saying you think I am blowing this out of proportion? " To which she goes off on a tangent...for the life of me, I wish I could remember what it was. All I could think about was the fact she hadn't answered my question and this was probably a pretty important question to have answered. "Mom, you still didn't answer my question.
Do you think I am the one who is blowing this out of proportion? " "I don't know. " Well, I think I do know...anyone I know would read this as a YES. "I am just going to wait and talk to Scott about this. " "Okay mom, that is fine. But is there a reason you can't finish talking to me about it?
" "I just want to talk to Scott. " "I hope you know you are free to say anything to me that you need to say to him. " "I'll just talk to Scott, tell him to call me tomorrow after I get out of work. " "Scott knows what I was going to be saying, mom. If you need to talk to him, why don't you give him a call at work tomorrow. " "Fine.
" "I'll tell him to expect your call. " LOOOONG Pause "I really wasn't expecting there not to be resolution to this tonight, mom. " Nothing "You are the mother of my husband, the grandmother of my son. We are going to be in each other's lives a very long time. We need to learn how to resolve conflict with each other. ~pause~ That's what people in relationships do.
" "Just have Scott call me. " "I think you should call him. He has been pretty busy at work and it would probably be better if you called him. " "Fine. " "I hope in the future you will be willing to talk and resolve conflict with me. " "Okay, bye" "Bye" I don't really remember if this is truly the point at which I made the comment about mother of husband, etc...also, throughout the whole conversation, I thought I handled myself spectacularly!
No yelling, no name calling. I had successfully channeled the calm cool lawyer act. However, the one flaw I find is that I allowed her to get my goat about having hubby call her. Why? I'm not sure. Probably because I was so extremely hurt and upset that she refused to have a real conversation with me.
It was unnerving with all of her dramatic pauses and offensive that she wouldn't answer me. We spent probably 30-45 minutes on the phone and maybe 10-15 of it actually talking (maybe 20). Add on top of that, she basically accused me of blowing this out of proportion and making this up...how hurtful is that? For five years you have given me hell...my hubby has been defending YOU telling me it is all in MY head. For five years, I have been trying to convince myself of that and you just confirmed every demon in my head....you don't like me, you don't want to like me. So, of the whole conversation, one bad choice.
I wasn't disrespectful, but it was definitely a pissing match. 
