  Wow...what a rollercoaster week... I have been reading an anger management book at the request of our counselor. And reading that, coupled with some soul searching, I have had many epiphanes (sp? ) this week...i have really begun to see my adolescent to adult years in a new light. I never have been able to explain to people why I hate myself...what happened that made me feel so unloveable...why i am into self-destruction...and why i am so angry at my parents. I just "knew" that i have never felt accepted or loved by them. Even though I knew that they always told me that they loved me...its the emotional unavailability. My parents don't want to go to a deep level when it is personal. Sure, we talk about concepts, ideas, etc...which usually lead into arguments but we never talked seriously, cautiously about something that is effecting us on a personal level. I was never able to open up to my parents for many reasons: judgement, punishment, and total avoidance. Yep...that's my parents. They can't accept that their kids might have faults without selfishishly turning the focus on themselves.
It always has to turn into...so you're saying i did something to cause this, etc...you know, sometimes you just want to be able to actually talk about what you are feeling without having to defend something that you may not even completely understand yourself!!! I think this is a huge reason why it has taken me so long to figure this out. They have me feeling so guilty about being angry at them that I have never had the opportunity to figure out what i am/was angry about!
I have been too busy trying to forgive and forget, yet not completely understanding what it is that i am busting my ass to forgive and forget! Whew...which led me to my next epiphane...i am so ultra sensitive to rejection, criticism, etc that i am really fucking up my marriage. Not that I am taking complete blame for our problems...but if scott does not do everything perfectly i get either depressed or upset...or if he voices an opinion i take it as him telling me i'm not good enough and that i need to change. umm...okay, in some circumstances that could be true, but freedom of speech was lost somewhere...so i wrote scott a long letter explaining what i was working through and apologizing. i told him i am seriously committing to changing this about me and that i wanted to accept his faults and ultimately, accept myself.
he wanted to talk about it, but i'm really not ready to. it still is pretty open and raw and dangerous. i think that ever since i can remember people have had this preconceived idea of what they needed me to be for them and i have busted my ass to comply. My parents needed me to get perfect grades and be the perfect christian and be the right amount of popular, participate in extra curricular, etc...and i did this for a large majority of my life. my friends are the same way...even my mr x was like this...and whenever i would fulfill this need i have always felt like i am dropped. it's not that anyone needs me as an individual, they need something from me, a shoulder to cry on, someone to fuck, a companion so that they aren't alone..etc. i think that scott was the first person who saw all of my faults and actually let me be me...not that he didn't voice opinions but he has never tried to control me.
and to me, that is so abnormal that it has felt more like he didn't care then he is actually the one loving me unconditionally. so as i am realizing this, i am realizing what a disaster my life is because of me trying to sabotage everything. i really think that i was trying to get him to leave because i wouldn't do it...and now, to have a clean conscience and start anew...i am seriously considering telling him about mr x. why?
hmm..to make myself feel beter. i feel guilty and it would help me "come clean"...however, is that the best thing to do? maybe i should talk about it with my counselor. egh! talk about putting myself in front of the firing squad! but, i don't want to hurt scott and i don't want to lie either. who knows...i'll think about it but it makes me want to barf. more later... 
