  I'm so frustrated...how can you judge someone when you have NO idea what they are trying to explain??? One of my "friends" came over this morning and started talking about her husband. She recently told him she was going to file for a divorce so he has been trying to manipulate her and, basically, acting like a child. Anyway, the discussion somehow led into my dr's appointment. She asked if it went well. I told her it was fine, my meds were changed, he added the fish oil...blah, blah, blah.
I guess I had never told her specifically I have been diagnosed PCOS. I guess it just isn't something I throw out to people. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me, I don't really want to have to talk about it. I don't want to get mad when you, my best friend, are supposed to feign concern for me and forget I might have issues...it just saves me a lot of headache and heartache to just not go into detail. Anyway...she wanted an explanation of what it is...which led into, how were you diagnosed? Well, how was I going to explain this???
So, I started at the beginning, when I first was diagnosed with hypothyroidism...well, how did you know something was wrong? How do you know you were eating right and you should have been losing weight? At some point, it just got easier to say, "Look, I was anorexic, weight is a huge thing. I was busting my ass to lose and I wasn't so I knew something was up and I was concerned I would start practicing again. " Lordy... note to self: a)don't tell people you aren't convinced give a shit what you are actually saying and aren't just waiting for the opportunity to judge b) probably not a good idea to get into this type of conversation at work. So, I guess by telling her I'm anorexic that meant I was really dying to know what she thought about eating disorders.
Ummm...have you ever even KNOWN someone with one? Judgement, judgement, and, yes, more judgement. After she was done with that rant, she went into "You really should try NOT taking the meds to see what will happen. " Oh, yes, that is a brilliant idea! I have been on these fucking meds for 9months and my hormones are still not under control...lets dump the meds and send them raging again to realize I really MUST take these meds...that makes complete sense to me! How 'bout this?
You go fucking read some literature on a) thyroid disorders and b) PCOS and then come back and we can have an intelligent conversation. At some point, she told me I had no business being on met because it is a drug for diabetics and I'm not diabetic. (Mind you, I was the one who told her it is for diabetics). To which, I graciously replied, you really should read some lit on PCOS and then you would understand the reasons MET is working for us. Okay...I know, I'm being oversensitive but I am just so frustrated! Does she think I don't know that she and everyone else judges me on my weight?
I know, I need to lose weight...I know, in a perfect world it would fly off. But I have tried over and over...come up with new ways to attack. Besides the depression I sink into when the new method sucks as much as the others and no weight is lost, I have to be careful. I am obsessed with the way I look, obsessed with the weight. Everytime I find out the number I am fighting those demons. I don't want to go back to where I was in high school but I often contemplate it.
I don't even want to admit this because I am riding the fence right now. Surely, it can't be bad to cut out all meals but one? blah, blah, blah...yeah, they are right over my shoulder tormenting me. Then, we have the ever present question of "so when are you having another? " "why are you waiting so long? " "do you just want one?
" JESUS CHRIST! I really thought I was doing well but last night I dropped B off at his church program and saw one of our "friends". They had their first when B was two and now they were toting around another...it's tough...I'm not going to lie, I want that to be me. I think I am just getting apprehensive about M's shower...plus, I don't know if I have mentioned it, my sister is pregnant. I am thrilled for her, I was worried that she too may be cursed with this so I am so grateful she is not (at this point). At the same time, there is a small little piece that wants it to be me...
I guess it is just the ignorance...especially the blissfully ignorant. They don't give a shit what is really going on, they just want to scream at the top of their lungs and have people listen to them. Guess what, genius? Not everything that comes out of your mouth is true...and who are you to judge? I guess I was just taught that you do not judge anyone else until you can be found blameless. Oh, if everyone was as diversified as me...ha! 
