  Okay. I know that the time always shows up funky. but it is 3: 45 am. yeah. never happy times when I see this time of day!
 Hubby and I had it out tonight. it is rather ironic that it is always his damn counseling appointment that starts it.  Today was a new one. I am childish.  Isn't the counselor supposed to help?  No,
 not ours. ours likes to give hubby fuel.  the great news is that he ( counselor)  wants me to come in next time.  Yippee!
 I told hubby that i would but that i refuse to defend myself.  i mean,  they already have it figured out that i am the root problem,  so what can i possibly say to change that?  anyway. i need to calm myself down,
 so unfortunately,  i will be major hyperv. i mean,  ventilating.  okay. 1)
 knowing i was not going to see hubby for week when i went on vaca. asked numerous times for intimacy. rejected every time. lovely 2)  when got back from vaca hubby NEVER and,  yes,
 i repeat NEVER asked to hear the gory details of our trip.  I know his,  including how many times he took a dump,  but he doesn't know shit about ours ( sorry,  bad pun)
 3)  roof leaks. hubby suggests i talk to the guys at work about what to do. guys at work immediately offer to help fix and tell me what weekend they are available. i am to blame because i took over.  4)
 hubby refuses to call dad and friends to ask for assistance. i get frustrated 5)  hubby is supposed to call to rent a roofing nailer. waits until TWO DAYS BEFORE to do so. yes,  i get very frustrated 6)
 oh yeah,  hubby tells parents at races that we will be attending cousin's wedding the weekend before the roof. then blames me and says that I am the one that told his mother. uh,  NOT!  Then,
 gives no explanation to them as to why we won't be attending. which,  as covered previously in counseling,  leaves them to believe it is MY fault 7)  hubby tells parents that he is bringing b up with him while he will be chopping wood. no he NEVER asks me if this is okay.
 he mentions that this was an idea of his. again,  tells his parents that won't happen and who do you think they feel is the problem?  8)  hubby calls everyday at work. almost everyday (
I'll give him 85%  because I feel generous)  he starts nit- picking and an argument with me WHILE I AM AT WORK and can't imagine why i get upset.  9)  cops an attitude constantly 10)
 still shows no sign of affection or intimacy for FIVE FUCKING WEEKS and yet,  i am the one being childish because i suggest that this behavior might have something to do with why i am upset at him. go figure!  The saddest part is that hubby told me he just isn't comfortable with close relationships.  um,  duh?
 then you should not have dated me for four years. and married me!  this is what really kills me and really is my grand point.  he knew. HE KNEW. i had no idea.
 i told him UP FRONT all of my faults. my temper,  my lack of drive for cooking,  i am madly high maintenance with sex and affection. HE KNEW.  on the other hand,
 he played a good game getting me to think that he was very affectionate and loving.  for god's sake,  he knows more about me than just about everyone. there is one person who may know more. but that is questionable.  that's what hurts.
 my best friend was all an act.  and for what?  a good screw?  please,  he could have gotten it elsewhere.  i am not really sure what his motivation has been for these years.
 but it hurts.  i mean,  isn't that was is " so great"  about marriage. having your best friend live with you?
 well,  i thought that is what was happening. then reality set in and i find out i am living with a man who acts like he despises me. yeah,  that's great for the self- esteem.
 i really wish i could get beyond the point of caring.  but if i go there,  what do i do?  walk away?  not really the life i have envisioned for myself.  divorced,
 single mom,  child in daycare 40 hours. yeah,  that's really fair to b.  what my roommate said is really starting to make sense. suffer through this stage.
having kids and raising them. then divorce and find the real love of your life.  However,  one flaw. after that many years,  do you really believe it can happen?
 damn.  i really wish i was not so interdependent.  i would love to have stayed single.
