  wow...I just feel so, strange...I don't know, it is weird. I'm like in between melancholy and happy I guess. I am not depressed but I'm not my usual self either. I don't really know how to describe it...I feel so much more introverted than I usually am...more self-reflective... So, sister in law had the baby...we got a call on Friday night to say she had been having contractions. Well, every first time mom thinks they are about to have a baby so both hubby and I kind of poo-poo'd it.
Well, low and behold, Saturday morning I got a call at 7:30am to say they were in the hospital. Hubby and I had a long talk/fight about what to do. I was so opposed to going up there...not because I didn't want to see the baby, because I did. Finally, I was able to verbalize, I didn't want "us" to be in turmoil again like what happened after the shower. I didn't want to put myself in such a vulnerable place to be hurt and then have him take their side.
I was scared. But after being able to say all of that to him, I saw in his eyes how important it was to him to go. We were supposed to have our friends from IN come...well, hubby said to have them come and he would go by himself. I called T and explained...told her I just felt I needed to be there with him, she completely agreed and wished me luck.
I know she doesn't understand me 99% of the time, but I love her...she is such a good person and is such a great friend to me. Anyway, I cried to my mom about how scared I was. Please understand, I am not upset they were having a baby...it just brings to the forefront something I try so hard to ignore so I can go about my life...it may never happen again for us. Add to that vulnerability and hurt the fact that his family always makes cruel comments regarding this...I just was dreading the inevitable abuse I was about to put myself in front of.
Mom said she had no idea what I was feeling like...but encouraged me to realize I was doing the right thing and I was being the bigger person...then my preggo sister called. Talked to her for a while...kinda get the picture I was trying my best to delay??? I was! So, we finally get ready and leave at 11:45am...car trips with toddlers! Literally, ten minutes after we leave..."I gotta go potty. " YOU JUST WENT! Lordy...what is normally a 2 1/2 hour trip took almost 5 HOURS!!!
Three stops for the bathroom, one for gas (and the bathroom) and one for lunch. We finally got there at 4:30pm...man! And, of course, it was freezing and we had dressed for the hot and humid weather we had. I actually had commented to hubby that we should pack coats...but we both kinda laughed it off and said there was no way it was going to be cold there...wrong-o!
I can't believe how good the baby is...she barely cried while we were there. We stayed for about an hour and a half. Hubby immediately wanted to hold her, which he usually is very apprehensive about babies. At first, I didn't know if I could...but hubby kind of shoved her in my arms. He always knows exactly what I need...it immediately took my mind off the bigger picture and I got to hold my new niece, Leslie Maxine...I'm not going to say she was cute, I'm not a fan of newborns...wait a few months and I'm sure I will find her adorable but babies are just not my thing...anyway! Yes, I got all kinds of, "when are you going to have another? don't you think B wants a sibling?
" "B, you should tell mommy you want a baby too" all the inappropriate bullshit people impose...and, yeah, it hurts...alot. But, we left to go meet hubby's parents for dinner and stopped at Old Navy and I was able to nurse my wounds with retail therapy. Yesterday, I slept basically all day. Hubby woke me up for some breakfast and I took a bath...then he woke me back up at 2pm when he left for work.
I can't explain why I was so tired...but I was. Hubby says I just seemed so sad...I guess I kind of am. I want to have another baby but neither of us want to take the next step of intervention. Part of me thinks, do it, try it, get what you want. The other part of me says, if it is meant to be it will happen. That part always wins out...but what happens if I regret that decision when I get older? And part of me wonders, why isn't it meant to happen? Do I suck so bad at being a parent God doesn't want to entrust me with another? To top it off...my breasts are hurting...damn. Of course, my heart says, oh, I'm pregnant! But my head says, you are about to have a period.
So, I look at my calendar and it has been two months since the last one. Ugh...I'm really off track again. I swear I don't want to spend another cent on a hpt...those damn things have gotten enough money from me! But on the other hand, do I sit here and constantly question until a week or so when it shows up? Better to put myself out of my misery I think... So, no, I'm not depressed...I don't know what I am...self-reflective... 
