  Okay...back to epiphanes...and, no, i still don't know if i am spelling it correctly... The other major shortage in my life was/is physical affection. There were some things that happened in my mother's life, which she says totally effected the way she is able to show affection. She said that she also went through a period when my older sis and i were young that she did not feel comfortable with my dad giving us an abundance of affection. They were both so hands off I just have always figured i wasn't huggable turning into i wasn't loveable.
I guess that I have always had all the pieces but i have never been able to step back and put the puzzle together. Meanwhile, as I was growing up, I was trying to get affirmation and affection from anywhere i could. This leads me to another revelation. At some point in our relationship, mr x and i began to have sex...and my understanding of when this happened and his understanding were two very different timetables. This really freaked me out when he told me this...and i never really understood what it meant. At one point, through all of my counseling, i wondered if i was raped...but i didn't really understand how i could have been and not known. at this time, i really don't think that i was. for one, mr x was not like that. i mean he has his faults, and temper/rage was one of them but never did he force himself on me and it wasn't like we were drinking together--i never drank until i was almost 21--long after he was ditched!!! i still don't think i completely understand what this means. but i really wonder if i blocked out when we actually had sex.
My reasoning? I truly, truly, truly wanted to be a virgin when i got married. not because my parents said i had to be, but because for some reason i really believe this is the best way...and, trust me, now i know why it is--unfortunately, i learned the hard way...but anyway...i think that i was so starving for affection that this beautiful guy who was the only one who listened to me and wanted to be with me all the time was interested in ME that i wanted to be so close to the one person in my life who wanted to be that to me...i ate it up and let it go as far as it did. i think eventually i came to terms with the fact i was 1)having sex and 2)liking the feeling of being close (and the horomones) that i was okay with the fact i just threw my morals out the window.
then i was having sex all the time. it was hard though...having to lie. i think that is the first time in my life that i blatantly was living a double life. but i knew the consequences if my parents found out and i wasn't willing to deal...my god--they would have thrown me out, i'm sure! my parents were always extremely hard on me...i don't know why me, but it makes me laugh, hurt, and get pissed all at the same time when i see how laxidazical (again...sp???
) they are with my sisters...who of course, think they are harsh...but if they could have walked a day in my shoes!!! i also think that when things did go sour that in my mind i blew them way out of proportion...now, there were some shady incidents with bodily force being used...and there was the stalking thing...but i don't really think that i was beat. just misused. again, not making excuses, there is no reason too...but i think mr x and i had an extremely volatile relationship...alot of which stemmed from the fact we were both so needy.
when it was good, it was awesome...when it was bad, it was hell... i don't know why it has been so important for me to come to grips with these incidents, but they have been playing in my mind alot lately...i think that i just have a desire to come to terms with my past so that i can go on in the present.
i don't want to be a "victim"...so far, two HUGE pieces of the puzzle put together...i really don't think i will ever reconcile the school thing...that is one that is still painful and i think this causes me to put blinders on...i can't get past it...i can't remember what happened and that is so frustrating! and i don't want to talk with my parents about it... anyway...this really sounds a lot more depressing than it has felt. it is such a huge relief to finally feel like i have some answers...it gives me back so many pieces of myself that i never really understood and didn't know where they were hiding... 
