  Whew!  what a weekend. and not in a good way.  My " voice of reason"  called.
I told her my decision about not calling Mr.  X again. I told her I came to realize it would be the same old thing and no point. and she says " so basically you just wanted to make sure he still wants you and then ditch him.  ah.
no!  I needed to finally feel closure on a very tumoltuous time in my life and talking about it with him was the last resort. I have been through YEARS of therapy and nothing ever closed that door and I finally feel that it is slowly starting to swing shut. ugh!  whatever!  Scott and I actually had a pretty good weekend.
we worked together all day Saturday to get the rest of our stuff organized and did a HUMONGO cleaning. I cleaned our little bathroom for an hour and a half!  I found some nasty scum that I will spare you the details about. but it made me want to heave!  Ah. then the infamous Sunday.
thinking I was a good dooby going to dinner at the parents to spend some quality time with my sis that never keeps in touch. and my matriarch decides this would be a good day for an all- out attack. apparently,  my sis mirrors the other picture of perfection in the fam and spilled some beans found out to my parents about the other sis that mirrors my picture of total and utter imperfection. so,
 of course,  my mom thinks that I am to blame. I am the original black sheep,  you know. and heaven forbid,  this sis could actually be making decisions on her own.
NO. it is MY fault because I tried to look out for them and teach them things about the world that my parents would like to naively believe would never be experienced- except that now that I have talked with them about it,  they are destined to experiment- because they would have never come across it otherwise!  Ahhh.
then,  mommy- dearest decides to start in about our past. to which I must have started to flip out because Scott was trying to corral me into a different room. not that I would have attacked her,  but it did cross my mind.
 Okay. first of all,  my parents can never quite make up their minds what they think should be done. it is basically up to the whim of my mother's emotions,  which change constantly.  Secondly,
 let's move on!  I didn't go through all of this therapy to be pushed right back where I was. I am an ADULT. and,  quite frankly,  I can talk to my sister's about anything I DAMN PLEASE!
 I don't want them driving drunk,  or being taken advantage of,  and never having taken the opportunity to discuss these things with them. that would be guilt. not my mum trying to blame what she sees as evil on me. always looking for someone else,
 never looking within.  Thirdly,  my sis does need to realize things about life. but I am living proof that having someone breathing fire down your back is swimming against the current. it can't happen until she is allowed to explore herself.  I feel bad for her because she was caught in the crossfire.
and part of it was about her and alot of it wasn't.  Mum did come back and apologize- and after they revived me,  her and my dad said how much they wanted to talk with me about what I " went through"  so that they could understand.
and to that I said,  like hell!  Please. really,  guys,  I love you,
 I forgave you,  but you can't slap me and call me stupid anymore!  For YEARS,  I wanted to explain this to them and make them see. if for no other reason than to prevent it from re- occurring with my sisters,
 which it has. but the don't want to know. they want to believe they have had no part.  And that's their choice,  but I don't need to put myself back in the place of being rejected and ridiculed.  So,
 for now,  i will keep my sis in my thoughts and prayers. I know that I was delivered and I hope that she escapes with fewer scrapes and bruises than I did.
