  The pressure has been building up inside my chest the past year again. It's a psychosomatic reflection of the anger and frustration that I can't seem to escape. Where's the Gospel now? Where is Jesus? Today, I really tried to hold it in when I was with people, because it had nothing to do with anyone I encountered. I didn't want it to take it out on anyone. I got home, and tried to fix my dad's vcr in the sweltering conditions of my father's den.
It got to the point where I threw it onto the ground in frustration. All of the pent up anger started to come out; I felt like my chest was exploding. I walked over to the garage, grabbed a bat, and started to hit the cardboard boxes. Unsatisfied, I walked outside and hit a tree. I was trying to take out the anger on anything that wouldn't yield disastrous repercussions if destroyed. What god would I turn to for my help? I glanced at my guitar. I thought about going online. I thought about talking to God about it. Placing the bat in its original place in the pile of junk in my garage, I walked upstairs and started to write this entry.
Let's just say that I'm not doing well these days. I'm listless, unmotivated, frustrated, angry, and I don't want to be near God. I hate my life. Out of habit, I wake up and go online because the good feelings from chatting with people and reading journal entries make me forget my anger. Playing video games, watching movies, going online: these three bastions of entertainment suck the life out of me. I have to find a job, I have to work on planning a retreat, I have to develop a good lesson for my tutees.
In order to do these things, I need a car. I need passion, purpose, the will to act. But, I don't, and as a result, without a will, there is no way, and so I am stuck in this box of crippling anger. Fine, tell me that I'm frustrating. Tell me that I'm impossible, tell me that I make my own prison. Tell me that I'm too hard on myself. Tell me whatever suggestions I should do, whatever problems I have. But am I asking for it? Is my heart open to hear? All will sound grating to my ear. 
