  current tune: deftones - passenger w/mjk last night pat and i had the conversation that we've been supposed to have since the afformentioned summer. about why, why would i not tell anyone if i knew jon was going to attempt suicide. fu-uck. yeah, i know, what kind fucking asshole am i? or, how much other destructive shit did i not tell people about? lots. that was one effed-up summer. the amount of shit we stole, the amount of time we spent trying to cause ourselves enough pain to make us forget everything, the driving to nowhere, illinois and back just so we didn't have to be around anybody. some of it people know about, some of it's not worth explaining. but really, to say that i pushed jon towards it, as pat so brutally laid it out as... is not wrong. i do feel responsible. and i did know how serious jon was that night, and i didn't tell anybody, or even make a real attempt to discourage him. i guess because i thought that if he could go through with it, then i could too. [silly magda, calling right in the middle of me testing the strengh of my skin against a box cutter] there's an angle of this whole thing that i can't blame pat for missing: this was a lot of the same thing for both of us.
by my feeling some of the same things as jon, that's how i pushed him towards it. if i could have healed myself, i could have pulled jon out of it. but i couldn't, and my depression pushed jon further into his. do i wish that i had said or done something to prevent jon from going to the edge?
yes. instead all i did was suggest a different method. i am a fucking asshole. but in my journey towards the bottom, i found myself lacking any reasons for staying alive. i smiled everytime we passed around blind curves and prayed for unseen oncoming cars. anything was better than going back to school the next year to find i'd flunked out, and to the friend who i wanted so badly to be something more, but couldn't manage to say something to, or to the people who couldn't manage to get over the fact that i wasn't interested in going to heaven anymore. 
