  "Kiss that girl goodbye..." I was with Kodi the other night. For the uninitiated, he's the "mushroom bf" whom you could have the temerity to call bf, but couldn't prove even to yourself if he really was. He could declare himself your man, but wouldn't give proof that he still was. Anyway, I discovered this card sitting on his desk, among books by Paulo Coelho that I thought he bought. I was actually surprised that he had copies of Coelho's books since this author must be one of the phoniest, worst pseudo philosophers since phoniness was invented. I got curious, so I opened the card and lo and behold: It was from a "friend" and was given along with Coelho's books.
She (I'm pretty sure about the gender) told him that the books were her gifts and were a way of reminding him of her love, so he could "feel me". It sunk in after a few seconds that there were two of us. That the reason why he wouldn't be with me within the first week of his current visit was because it had to be her who he'd rather have in his hotel room and not me. I felt cheated. I felt cheap. He knew everything--nearly everything--about me and still he still would lie.
I asked him who she was and told him he lied to me. He told me that he didn't say that there was no one new . I answered that I didn't ask if there was someone new but that if there was someone else . He answered his famous line, "I hope I won't lose you. " F*cking shit, how is that ever possible when he never wanted me in the first place? I am just a replacement and he has been hurting me all these years.
I thought that he had stopped two years ago when he confessed that he was sleeping with five different women. It hurt so much. I still can't believe he did it. How could he? I had been true to him all these years in spite of the hurt. I have forgiven his unfaithfulness but he didn't even cared whether he'd be hurting me or not.
What's worse, everybody at the hotel knew about it. They saw me coming in and out of the place to be with him, but I was the only one clueless about the other woman who also frequented his place. Maybe God has finally shown me the way. I was praying to him that I finally wanted to be happy and that I might just give Kodi up. It just hurt so bad that while I was holding on for years now, there was someone else that he probably cared about. I hope that God will finally teach me how to be happy and show me happiness.
I am so tired of having to fight for someone's time, attention and affection. I am very tired of having to be relegated at the bottom end of the list, as the last priority. God, I just want to be happy. I just want to find him. Is that so impossible? 
